Blue’s Story

Downhill slope
Mistake made, hidden
Broken heart, angry
Left wishing that day away for years
Signatures on legal paperwork
Packing for three
Regrets in the thousands
All along thinking, it was me
Uphill climb
Driving North
Silent heart, settling
Years of failings grieved
Light passing through windows
Touch of familiar love, family
Might take a decade, or less
Children, a pug: dependents
Nothing the same, yet, I’m me
Travel horizons
Positives shall return slowly
Hopeful heart, settling
My world at my side, loves
Patience astounding, blessed
Grace given and accepted, free
Continuity remains new for now
Life allowed back in. Glory be.

My Anniversary 

My blogging Anniversary snuck up on me. As soon as I saw this photo in my notifications box this morning, I realized it was April and I’d forgotten.

Four years?

You’ve held me accountable during the hardest four years of my life. Made me feel like a friend, a daughter, a sister and a lover.

Thank you for accepting me as I am, encouraging me to return to the poetry I love to write, and expecting me to share it because you know how desperately I need to…

You’ve given me my voice. Continue reading

Admitting My Failure (Haibun)

Today would have been my 19th wedding anniversary. Next month marks a year since the divorce was final.

All that keeps running through my mind is how big the lawyer’s office was, as I sat alone on one side of the conference table, while he and his lawyer sat on the other. I stared out the windows and silently begged to be told to jump. I was alone in there and naive enough to believe I wasn’t on my own. Still wanting to trust.

Why wouldn’t I reflect on our wedding day? I guess it’s because I don’t want to admit the truth to myself. I knew then he wasn’t built to handle me, but I expected him to be, so it wasn’t his fault he failed.

Always tough enough

Never really prepared

Protection required

***

Poetic Format Haibun

 

 

Heart’s Anticipation

Hearts break
Created for more
Than keeping us alive
The powerful organ
Innocently sitting
Beating
Yet, actually
Guarding
Anticipating
Each arrival
Life’s disappointments

Possible dream shattering
Inevitable realizations
Of real human behavior
Infidelity
Dishonesty
Silence
Alive
Breathing
Sending the final punch

Had the heart been waiting
Sensing struggles all along
Disaster coming
Forcing
Protection
Sending out low voices
Always
A mind choosing to ignore

Does the heart forsee
The size of the breaking
Afterwards
Is it even a possibility
It will heal
Provide the ultimate
Forgiveness
Questioning
Why it should
Stay a prisoner
For good

Honesty

I’m currently writing through some dark spots in my book, which means a lot of self-reflection pokes at my attention. I am broken, even with my deep faith, and after all these years. Thank you for sitting through a lot of darkness lately, and a bit more to come. I hope you’ll be there when this moment passes on.

So, while seeking deep inside myself, this conversation came to me. My Angel’s conversation with God as it arrived on paper yesterday. I have come to realize that I feel love, but I don’t trust love.

I am a child who grew up too soon due to divorce. I love my parents deeply. I have forgiven them quite easily and years ago. As an adult, I see how hard it is to always make the best decisions. No one is capable of that kind of perfection. Not me. Not my parents. They did the best they could with the tools they had at the time. I will not fault them for their decisions. Through a sad and lonely separation and then final divorce, both parents loved their children with complete devotion. This I know to be truer than true.

When I forgave my parents I began loving completely. Trusting love with everything I had. Too much, to the point where when those whom I loved the most let me down, I crumbled. I haven’t fully recovered from the deepest of betrayals. I’m the kind of girl who’s either all in or all out. I don’t have much gray. I was all in and my trust was broken. I am beginning to see that I’ve been all out, in regards to true love, ever since my world changed in 2007. I’m done being a prisoner to distrust. I’m on a path towards trusting love.

 At the end of the day, my friends, in complete honesty, this is what I’m struggling with right now. 

*********************

“Who is she?”
“Well, Audrey, of course.”
“Yeah, but she’s different.”
Yes, this I know.”
“I feel trouble.”
“Yes.”
“Help her!”
“I am.”
“There’s so much pain.”
“I know, but she’s beginning to understand why.”
“Do you think she’ll ever truly love.”
“That’s a question I cannot answer.”
“But, she’s a child of God.”
“Right now, she has trouble believing me.”
“Do you think she feels alone?”
“I think she believes she’s the only one.”
“You mean, who questions true love?”
“Yes, and love in all forms.”
“I’m beginning to understand.”
“Don’t you agree? It is obvious that she doesn’t fully trust anyone.”
“I’m piecing it all together.”
“Yes, she’s all alone by her own accord. Yet, surrounded by everyone who loves her.”
“I see all her friends.”
“She feels our devotion.”
“What will we do?”
“We can do nothing. She has work to do.”
“So we wait?”
“Yes, right here. We’ll guard her and hold her til this is over.”
“She’ll return?”
“Yes, she’ll be back. I already feel her near.”

Sissy’s Lullaby

Sister, Oh Sisters I see our yesterdays so clear

Do you hear my songs whispering in your ear?

There wasn’t much I was prepared to say

If only my age hadn’t gotten in the way

To calm your fears, allowing sleepless nights to end

The truth for the two of you, I would always bend

I travelled slowly over subjects deemed too soon

Acting too lightly over feelings of darkness and gloom

Stay the child I have laying next to me, Oh Sister

Let me wish this dark cloud away

Oh let’s pray and pray and pray

There isn’t much a twelve-year-old could say.