Admitting My Failure (Haibun)

Today would have been my 19th wedding anniversary. Next month marks a year since the divorce was final.

All that keeps running through my mind is how big the lawyer’s office was, as I sat alone on one side of the conference table, while he and his lawyer sat on the other. I stared out the windows and silently begged to be told to jump. I was alone in there and naive enough to believe I wasn’t on my own. Still wanting to trust.

Why wouldn’t I reflect on our wedding day? I guess it’s because I don’t want to admit the truth to myself. I knew then he wasn’t built to handle me, but I expected him to be, so it wasn’t his fault he failed.

Always tough enough

Never really prepared

Protection required

***

Poetic Format Haibun

 

 

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48 thoughts on “Admitting My Failure (Haibun)

  1. It is too hard an endeavor. I believe failure is endemic. All marriages fail in ways large and small. Death do us part is the ultimate failure-we die. We can’t outlive each other, we will break each others hearts if we stay together. What you’re admitting is your humanity. It’s OK to be human.

  2. I’ve sat alone in that room twice…I agree, its a horrible place to be. I know the darkness will pass however, I know it from experience, even if it takes longer than you want it to. YOU are strong, beautiful of mind heart and spirit, and filled with awareness. You will gain strength from this that will prepare you for the True One. I have faith in You my friend. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hug}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

  3. Been down the divorce road myself, never any fun and you have that feeling weird thing going on afterwards for a while. But you are an amazing person and an awesome friend and I covet every minute of that and it’s brilliant! His loss and one day he’ll come to regret it! XOXO

  4. Powerful stuff. I had the same feeling sitting in A San Franciso Lawer’s suite. The view was spectacular, and it was a lofty perch. My ex didn’t show up, and it was just her lawyer’s assistant and I doing the signing. Sad end.

  5. Love and hugs to you my friend❤️Don’t have regrets, as we never know what life will bring us. You have two beautiful children, your family and friends who love you dearly😊

  6. A very sad reflection in your post. I’ve found that failure is rarely due to one person, but shared. However, I’ve also found that attaching blame doesn’t really help. AmyRose said it well that growth can come out of pain. I wish you warmth as you reflect.

  7. Audrey, it’s good to admit your failure but this isn’t complete until he admits his. And yes, it was also his fault. People are supposed to grow throughout their lives. The end of a marriage causes grief and you’ve been mourning your lost dreams. But would you go back to the beginning and never have that marriage – and never have your children? I wish you love and comfort with the knowledge that you have much to look forward to even if you can’t see the brightness of your future – yet.

  8. Groan…

    Isn’t it an odd feeling to celebrate alone? Akin to remembering the birthday of one who has passed. I thought back on 24 years earlier this month. I prefer to think of it as 24 years of upholding my promise to God and yet darkness is still lurks. This too shall pass I know.

    Don’t feel odd or alone. Slowly move forth.

  9. I never heard of a Haibun before, so thanks for educating me, Audrey. I’m sorry you, too, had to go through this. I don’t guess the “going-through” part is ever easy. Fortunately, the human heart can bounce back, learn from its experiences, and return to a malleable state where it can once again embrace love! I’ll say a prayer for you. Just remember — while it takes two to tango, sometimes the right partner can make all the difference in whether you actually enjoy the dance!

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