Prince Oscar

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Eight years ago I packed up two children, our pug and a plant named Maxine. (a plant I received from friends in 1992 when my grandmother passed away) We moved from Texas  to Nebraska in the middle of a divorce. We had nothing. Nothing. Later, finding out even the car I was left to drive away with by my ex-husband no longer had insurance – unbeknownst to me until after we arrived. So when I say nothing, I mean it.
I thought I’d hit rock bottom.

We lived with my brother and his family for 5 months as we waited for a rental property to become available. Until the divorce was final – we had to rent. Sadly, this home we finally found didn’t allow dogs.
My heart broke. The kids’ hearts broke.

My mother, who lived three hours from us, took Prince Oscar the pug into her home. He brightened her world right up as ours darkened even further.

Grateful Oscar had my mom and my mom him. I continue to feel as though I let him down by giving him away and not fighting harder to find a place for him too. 

Today, Prince Oscar went to heaven.

I don’t know that I deserve to grieve.
Yet, I do.

I love you, Oscar. My Pug Prince.

2024

Our Story Is Over

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Not a simple fix is it?
Lost somewhere between,
I’ll figure this out,
And just let it be.

Frustration
Manipulation
Disgust

This and it, being you,
Or us, and what didn’t work,
Even after trying.

Lies
Making up
Continually

Long gone are the days,
Of make believe,
Playing house,
And happily ever after.

Adulthood
Responsibilities
Teamwork

Following behind answers,
I couldn’t seem to catch,
But knew wouldn’t solve us anyway.

Relief
Understanding
Forgiveness

Today became the end,
Our story is over
And I’m free to begin again.

Blue’s Story

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Downhill slope
Mistake made, hidden
Broken heart, angry
Left wishing that day away for years
Signatures on legal paperwork
Packing for three
Regrets in the thousands
All along thinking, it was me
Uphill climb
Driving North
Silent heart, settling
Years of failings grieved
Light passing through windows
Touch of familiar love, family
Might take a decade, or less
Children, a pug: dependents
Nothing the same, yet, I’m me
Travel horizons
Positives shall return slowly
Hopeful heart, settling
My world at my side, loves
Patience astounding, blessed
Grace given and accepted, free
Continuity remains new for now
Life allowed back in. Glory be.

My Anniversary 

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My blogging Anniversary snuck up on me. As soon as I saw this photo in my notifications box this morning, I realized it was April and I’d forgotten.

Four years?

You’ve held me accountable during the hardest four years of my life. Made me feel like a friend, a daughter, a sister and a lover.

Thank you for accepting me as I am, encouraging me to return to the poetry I love to write, and expecting me to share it because you know how desperately I need to…

You’ve given me my voice. Continue reading →

Admitting My Failure (Haibun)

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Today would have been my 19th wedding anniversary. Next month marks a year since the divorce was final.

All that keeps running through my mind is how big the lawyer’s office was, as I sat alone on one side of the conference table, while he and his lawyer sat on the other. I stared out the windows and silently begged to be told to jump. I was alone in there and naive enough to believe I wasn’t on my own. Still wanting to trust.

Why wouldn’t I reflect on our wedding day? I guess it’s because I don’t want to admit the truth to myself. I knew then he wasn’t built to handle me, but I expected him to be, so it wasn’t his fault he failed.

Always tough enough

Never really prepared

Protection required

***

Poetic Format Haibun

 

 

Heart’s Anticipation

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Hearts break
Created for more
Than keeping us alive
The powerful organ
Innocently sitting
Beating
Yet, actually
Guarding
Anticipating
Each arrival
Life’s disappointments

Possible dream shattering
Inevitable realizations
Of real human behavior
Infidelity
Dishonesty
Silence
Alive
Breathing
Sending the final punch

Had the heart been waiting
Sensing struggles all along
Disaster coming
Forcing
Protection
Sending out low voices
Always
A mind choosing to ignore

Does the heart forsee
The size of the breaking
Afterwards
Is it even a possibility
It will heal
Provide the ultimate
Forgiveness
Questioning
Why it should
Stay a prisoner
For good