The way your gentle touch,
Slid down my trembling arm,
And held my frightened hand,
Proves how purely lost and alone,
I am.
Tag Archives: Fear
Miracles
As if my clouds had warned specifically
Life does not end in a single breath
Have faith in Him and honor His test
Sit still, believe miracles happen daily
***
Update on Dad:
Initially, Dad refused treatment, further testing and our pleading words. The idea of him not taking the opportunity to try medical advancement was devastating news. Who makes that choice? A stubborn cowboy who doesn’t believe in doctors, I guess, maybe, someone unsure of what the fight will look like, and I can easily identify with that fear.
Eventually, Dad agreed to take the next step and was transferred to another hospital in Denver. I like to think he knew how much his refusal of treatment was affecting us and wanted to ease our pain, but I believe the support of my three siblings being with him through each step gave him the confidence to move forward. I understand, there’s a process that goes along with hearing such terrifying news. We tried to be patient.
Dad is surprisingly well, and it has been determined that he has less than Stage 1 Lukhemia. His body has reacted to the initial procedures and medication and the blood results are amazing. They are recommending that he do six months of chemo just to be sure all has been eliminated. Dad has agreed to do chemo twice a month and it’s a very low dose of treatment. This means no loss of hair or sickness, so business as usual for him, eventually.
Dad is home from the hospital and the pneumonia that put him there, due to low immunity, is under control. Had he not come down with pneumonia we would’ve gone much longer without knowing that he had Lukhemia, as it had been just short of 50 years since he’d seen a doctor for anything. Early detection saved his life. Our family is blessed.
So now…me and why I haven’t been around or writing. The highs and lows of it all had me so confused. I roll my eyes at myself, as I consider Dad’s emotions. I think shifting from horrid news to elation so quickly had me shocked. Frozen, even. I took a few days to sort my feelings. How does this happen? Who cheats cancer like this? A blessing I cannot even wrap my head around, yet I know it is all God’s doing. Prayers were answered. We continue to pray that the chemo rids his body of anything that remains.
I think I’m back…maybe. Smiles.
The support I’ve received from y’all is humbling. Last week’s poetry was full of beautiful and loving comments and I thank you. Your emails proving your devotion continue to make me smile. Thank you…
The Greatest Man poem was the first poem I wrote after getting the call from my sister last Friday afternoon. It is now one of my personal favorites, as my Dad has proven to me that he continues to be my hero. I’m thankful that he realizes how much I do need him and how relieved we are that he is willing to fight cancer for himself and his family.
The Giggling Siblings poem was the night before some major tests. (defining the stage) I love looking back at that snapshot of our family pulling together and smiling. (Even if they were making fun of me…) All of us fearful of the news we’d eventually receive as the results came through in the days to follow, yet calmly waiting and diverting that fear with some giggling.
The result is a stronger bond, which none of us thought possible, as we’re already each other’s best friends. Maybe now, however, Dad understands how deep our love for him goes.
Giggling Siblings
A photo received this evening
Via Assholes, it seems
Giggle worthy, I believe
Siblings, teasing me
Oldest Sister always clouding
Viewing and capturing daily
Poetic puffs of creativity
Eleven floors up, they see
A spectacular moon beaming
Redheaded Sister will envy
A moon over the Rockies
Pay no mind to the glaring
It’s sparkling somewhere brightly
None of us can accept or believe
Our father has Cancer, weeping
But humor’s alive and well, Roomies
Oldest Sister is finally, giggling
Hospitals can be so very boring
Tease Dad for flirting with Nurse “Nelly”
And let this Cloud Poetess be
*wink*
*****
Yes, we received the worst news this weekend. Dad has Lukhemia. We’re all shocked and terrified, but he finally agreed to attempt treatment. Praising God this evening. My three siblings are with him in Denver and I’m in Houston. What a bummer. I am staying positive. I have to, you know.
In true family style…we try to keep smiling. I love you Big Brother, Middle and Baby with all my heart. Love this Father of ours so very much, however, the next time I see you guys I’m gonna kick your asses. I cannot believe y’all sit around and make fun of my cloud pictures!! How rude! 😉 😉 😉 Man, do I love you!! *giggles*
(Yes, my first reaction was to reply by calling them Assholes, so I did. They pissed themselves laughing. ..I do not apologize. Haha!)
Oh, and a few more pictures they sent me this weekend. For your viewing pleasure:
They literally have laughed me to scorn! 🙂
This is complete cloud coverage, y’all. (See, I’m completely justified in calling them assholes, I think.) 😀
Raindrops Have Names
The dark clouds were here when I woke up this morning. The pinging sound on the window panes, as each raindrop hits, beckons me. Raindrops knocking at my soul. Reflective puddles growing in size right outside, so similar to what needs to be accomplished in myself today. The rain is taking the lead and nourishing everything green, and me. The scene has been set. The rain arriving today, of all days, is poetic comedy. A satire, it seems. It sums me up perfectly, don’t you agree? Oh, how I love a double entendre.
Drowning
Please
Walk with me
Please
Force me to go slow
Please
Let’s go nowhere in particular
Please
Ask me how I am, now you can
Please
Wait for my brave answer
Please
Use your voice to comfort a poet
Please
Hold my hand, make me hold yours
Please
Point out life’s simplicities
Please
Prove to me they are worth my time
Please
Make me think, hard
Please
Tell me to stop worrying
Please
Remind me who is leading me
Please
Force me to look into your eyes
Please
Insist I be me
Please
Jazz Music
I had a hard time writing last night. Going back to Ambrosia, who is now, Amelia, helps me remember why I’m writing my book. Getting lost in music helps too, I think. Always. (Inspiration for my novel found here.)
I
Walk
Empty streets
Dark concrete
Nasty puddles
No rain for days
Water still reflects
Visions of pain
Find me
I went there again
Corner club
Jazz, yes, always
Door man nods his head
Let’s me in
Watches over me, usually
Smokey air fills my lungs
Heart already lost, deep bass
Sunglasses hide his eyes
Head swaying
Beard in layers
Sorrow fills the room
Music consumes
Quietly I wish for you
Collar up
Heels click on the floor
Lyrics speak
Like a dream
Beat soothes my soul
I’m no one’s treat
Here for the beat
Tonight’s for me
Needing to breathe
Needing to feel
Needing music
Whether scared
Lost
Sad
Gone
Music helps
Mostly, I need to breathe
Help
Center
Me
Sink Or Swim
Obstacles hinder
Destinations via water
Adrenaline rush
The fear of the unknown holds us all back. Why do we allow it to control our decisions and our goals? We nourish fear with our strength, day in and day out, choosing to help it grow to become more powerful. We sit quietly as it beats us down. Fear doesn’t exist. This we all know. Kick it in the balls. Get on with the show. Go for the gold. Let’s stop worrying that we’ll fail. Live life now and beg for forgiveness later. Fear can hunt someone else down now. We’re alive, so prove it.
Prompting Fear, because it thinks I won’t. This lady is brave. Thanks, DC.
Unknown
Unknown
Your chance, I’m offering
Break me
Trust me
Save me
Or return the keys
Release what weakens me
Life full of lies
Until we share completely
Moving forward
Get to know me
Fears
Hopes
Pressures
Consuming
What is left
Advancing will soothe
Promising
Anger
I grew up taking care
soothing pains
of those who suffered.
Who taught me?
Two sisters, brother,
mother and a father.
~
Oldest Daughter
fights for all.
Redheaded sister
hugs when they fall.
~
Don’t tell me
I’m vain,
Superficial;
or bloody insane.
~
The poetry
I write
is of happiness,
often healing me
at the end
of my day.
~
I tend to
women’s tears,
when there’s no
money for simplicities.
~
I feed children
with no lunches,
after mothers
have forgotten.
~
I fix worn out clothes,
even when I don’t know how.
~
Trust me, these people
I know;
live in my heart.
~
I’m not
what your
eyes see,
my poetry,
an escape for me.
~
I write of love
hoping to create it
for all those who
are denied.
~
Yes, I admit, it helps me too.
~
Am I confident?
~
Yes, I cannot help
this part of me.
~
Take it or leave it.
~
Maybe, just let me be me.
~
I know suffering
I feel it everyday
humanity is
my sibling,
my child,
my sister,
my friend,
my brother,
and my end.
~
I will go to my grave
trying to save them all.
I’m allowing you
to catch me when I fall.
Look me in the eye
when you’re looking
for a fight.
~
This girl will react.
~
I just might…
Failing You
I’m not there for you today
The fact still escapes me
Never in all my dreams could I see
Not getting to you when you’re in need
I always said I’d lead
Be there for each one of you
Siblings
Parents, too
I’m the Sister
I’m the Daughter
No matter the distance
Today marks another weakness
I’ve allowed distance to limit
All my most inherited instincts
I’m so sorry
I’m here going on about my day
The rest of you, in a waiting room
Keep me posted
I’m failing all of you
Damn, Texas and all the distance
Mom, today, you’re on my mind
Clam
Like a clam
Tight
Never bold
Never brave
Holding on
Fantastically
A gem quietly sits
Feelings
All mine
I own them
Nobody’s witness
Proven over and over again
Never asking or pushing
She’s a funny girl
Afraid of the bull
Which lives within
Like a clam
Craving the push and pull
Powerful waters
Forcing the gem to breathe
In murky waters
Or
Fresh
Clean
Air
Finally
Okay
Don’t be afraid
Your soul created
For never endings
Past mistakes
Internally fighting
You mustn’t allow
Dark dreaming
Regret powerful
Changes nothing
Forgiveness comes
With eyes wide open
Reminding
Ageless Story
Never gets old
Rest in peace
I’m offering
Rejoice
Boundless
A soft touch sent around the world
Fingers pursue you
Ears hear your deepest notes
A chance to read your words
Its been you for some time now
A blessing to breathe in the same air
Thank you for allowing me to be here
Hazel eyes pressing into the abyss
You aren’t allowed to watch this
Shy girls need some room to prepare
Sometimes words seem so unfair
Stir up feelings best left behind closed doors
Minds reveal awakenings
Writing is so personal
A poet’s mind forever boundless
She fears her muse may leave
Once her poet’s eye revealed
A plea sent around the world and back to you
Promise me you’ll consider
Before you leave me wondering, confused
Faith
A battle inside of me that I wanted to share. I think a lot of us can identify with what I’ve written. It’s okay to argue with God, the one who loves us the most. I love that He pushes me to strive for more and to believe in myself. I’m thankful He’s always with me.
**************
Just show me what You want
Is it my truest of feeling upfront
I feel you shoving me into a corner
Suppose I fear judgement, ridicule and opposing statements
Who will protect me from my own aberration
I feel You don’t care
You push me to write where I’m not arranged
Yes, of course, I notice what You’re shepherding
You think I’m ready, I’m naysaying
The thoughts in my mind I can’t identify
Truly brought on by the Divine
I sense Your agenda
I agree, what I feel captivates and rings true
What You don’t tolerate is this girl’s admittance to being frightened, too
Lost in thoughts of what this journey will allow
God, please come with me
A Pandora’s box of emotions will be used
I know, You know, I’m bruised
Twas it yesterday when those actions caused ruin?
A battle which seemed fated changed me forever
Because of you, now I must heal the deepest of wounds!
In order to show that Your faith in us rings true
How dare You strengthen me in Your own time!
I understand You think I’m primed
I’m forced to play catch up
Your Holy presence proves Divine
To question You, not my intention
I feel weakened by Your intervention
Through this I know it is for the best
A life’s quest
Courage

This is my thinking place, I share it happily
I wish we could walk it once together
I have questions of life
Your answers provide my awakening
Your creative gift today, well, I’ll forever be thanking
Writing is a personal journey
Sharing it with others takes faith in God, for me
Remind me why we do what we do
Why writers rip open their minds
Toss contents on the table
Wear our hearts out on complete strangers
After today’s post I think I should share a photo I find comfort in remembering. The poem above I wrote after my friend, Michael, posted a beautiful photo. He wrote of encouraging thoughts along with it. His words helped then and they continue to help me today. Check out his photo and his blog, Harcourt 51, if you haven’t done so already. He is worth sharing with you guys. He creates wonderful opportunities to think and stretch your mind. His photos are spectacular, as well. For your words, Michael, once again I thank you.
Fear: My Old Friend
On occasion I have this negative voice that enters my mind. He reminds me that I have the ability to dwell in fear. I just needed to let him know that I’m not afraid, even if I feel completely exposed.
Fear: I saw you today, Courage. What you did, well, it was cute.
Courage: I got up there on that step. I wrote it. I read it!
Fear: It was amateur, at best.
Courage: I felt alive. Wasn’t I brilliant!?
Fear: I don’t know about that, Courage. I think I still found the perfect dark spot within you.
Courage: No you didn’t, Fear. I wasn’t weak. You witnessed strength.
Fear: Nope, I know what I saw. You did it, but then you ran and hid. I saw your eyes.
Courage: Shut up!
Fear: I’m just being honest. I thought you should know, it’ll be okay. Stick to what you know, friend.
Courage: I didn’t ask for your help. I thought you’d left, anyway.
Fear: Why would I leave? You’re just getting comfortable.
Courage: I think you’re scared of me, actually.
Fear: I am not, please, yeah right.
Courage: I think so. Just look at this, it seems, I can almost see right through you.
Fear: What? Where?
Courage: See – like this…my hand slides right through your image. I barely feel you.
Fear: Wait. Oh, that?
Courage: So you do see it happening? Good.
Fear: Psst! Your mistake, Courage. I’m still here. I allow myself different packaging.
Courage: How? Please explain…
Fear: See, I would, but I needn’t bother. You still find me everywhere. Silly girl…
I chose to write it out, in spite of him, in an effort to keep the upper hand…
Daniel 10: 19-21. (Joshua 1: 6-7, 2 Corinthians 12:9)
Push Me
Push Me!
Demand, I push you back
Open Me Up!
Force, my feelings out
Hold my arms down
Seize my eyes, as they attack yours
Feel it?
Feel that powerful tension
Don’t turn away
I need you to stay
Letting me win
Well, that’s often his way
Push Me, my whispered plea
Make me push you back
Open Me Up, I silently beg
Force my lack of feelings out
Gray Clouds of Doubt
I see you there little leaf in the tree,
Are you hanging there to scare me?
I can’t quiet seem to figure you out,
Maybe you’re here to distract or calm my doubts?
Why do you continue to hold on?
Don’t you know all the others have gone?
Do you see a future that others did not see?
Why would you choose to wait with me?
Being left alone does not frighten this lady, only strengthens, I believe.
Go along and find the others, I see them all waiting curiously.
Don’t trouble yourself with lingering here now, honestly







