Admitting My Failure (Haibun)

Today would have been my 19th wedding anniversary. Next month marks a year since the divorce was final.

All that keeps running through my mind is how big the lawyer’s office was, as I sat alone on one side of the conference table, while he and his lawyer sat on the other. I stared out the windows and silently begged to be told to jump. I was alone in there and naive enough to believe I wasn’t on my own. Still wanting to trust.

Why wouldn’t I reflect on our wedding day? I guess it’s because I don’t want to admit the truth to myself. I knew then he wasn’t built to handle me, but I expected him to be, so it wasn’t his fault he failed.

Always tough enough

Never really prepared

Protection required

***

Poetic Format Haibun

 

 

Choices (Haibun)

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Change of plans occur
Let’s go the wrong direction
Leading me to you

And then sometimes life happens and we take another direction.

Definitely not the path you or I would’ve chosen, had we been given the option, but life changing paths exist, as well, and we have to figure out how to survive them.

We can choose to accept fate, brave destiny with strength, or we can decide to hide and wish the dreadful path away.

It doesn’t change anything, I’ve realized. In my opinion, hiding and wishing something away never looked good on anyone.

Most importantly, not on me, so here I sit. Staring into destiny. Pay no mind to the tears in my eyes. Chose to be brave with me today, please.

On we go…

Parts of Me

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You may see a wreck
Pointless pile of rubble
But watch where you step

Soft
Hard
Color
Life

Memories survive here
Beautiful palette of wild
Each particle a part of me

You may see rocks or meaningless pebbles. I see generations of my family walking this trail together. The dust you feel on your cheek was made by my grandfather’s boots. Men who worked countless hours to bring variegated boulders off mountains and creeks.

This muddy ground is the true stability I craved, as a young girl who needed to feel safe, and not just a vessel to walk upon. You may see weak or wild grass, which you consider far too thin. I noticed the movement of the wind, as it traveled the terrain of these mountains, a wild strength on its approach. Offering a young woman security and comfort, while she embraced a protective sway.

You notice simple yellow flowers, maybe considering their lack of generous beauty, before dismissing their worth. I remember a bouquet of brave flowers growing and welcoming me each summer, a spectacular vision for my homecoming. Allowing me the peace to believe that lingering sorrows would surely be eliminated here, as I familiarized myself with seeing love. Wildflowers promising I’d shine once again, if I would only breathe and recall their ability to thrive.

This is what I recall when I look at this patch someone else might find insignificant. It fixed me.  For those who see what I see, I will take your pain as mine.

Every Day – Haibun

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You hold my hand differently
Force these words away
Common sense tells me, ignore
Yet, I remember, every day

*****

“You shouldn’t share every word you write, caused by every feeling you have…”

“…but, if I wait until I can share perfection, even a valid effort, then I’d never share again.”

“How can you be okay with showing mediocrity?…”

“…It hadn’t occurred to me.”

“Surely, you notice where you fail.”

“I try not to think about it.”

“Honestly, none of this makes any sense, Audrey.”

“Thank you, for confirming.”

*****

Trust isn’t easy
Now do you understand why
 I want to believe

 

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The photos shared with this Haibun are of the Devil’s Backbone Open Space, located just outside the northern end of the Rocky Mountain foothills, as you drive into Fort Collins, Colorado. You can read more about it here. Consequently, I did witness the largest rattlesnake I’ve ever seen while near this trail.

Keep in mind, I’m no photographer, I just wanted you to see more of this area of the world, and the topography it owns. Expressing myself here feels different, maybe I’m more in tune with who I am when I’m in Colorado. ♡

Happy Friday, Y’all.

Southern Winter (Haibun)

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Do you ever have moments where you find yourself wishing, if even for a few brief seconds, you would’ve shared a sunrise like this with someone special?

Me, too.

When an unexplainable dawn leaves me breathless, this is when I need you the most. You could use your words to help me see her beauty, possibly the greatness that could come from today.

Instead, I’ll leave you with this:

A breathless dawning
Winter doesn’t look the same
Take me to the snow

Her Path Of Scars (Haibun)

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Across her vulnerable path there are old scars. Disfigurements, some bigger than others, yet similar in color. A few are the remains of the same tragedy, now multiplying and adding to those festering lies she whispers to herself daily. Tracks you’ll find as you begin to travel over her essence. The lies she encourages herself to believe guide her day. These defining untruths continue to slide through her thoughts in an effort to ruin her spirit, until you find a way inside her mind.

Life begins to grow, as you navigate within her arduous attempts at disbelief. A primal power you possess as her guide in this fight. Verdant leaves found full of color and sprinkled throughout her path react to your light, then grow and allow for clarity and healing to finally begin. The solution she never saw as her possibility now renews her strength. This an event you can take pride in, as it is you who has fed her daily. She, now your light, is devoted. Finally, once again, she believes in truth, love and authenticity.

The scars are still there, as you run yourself across her core, however they don’t define her anymore. Each tragic event has been honored. She trusts your hands, loves you, and with all that she is, needs you to be yourself completely. Importantly, she is a body of scars, but they have healed with the help of your interest and devotion. Your love, that lives inside of her now, is a blessing.

Beauty of nature
Submission Empowerment
Rooted in belief

Trail (Haibun)

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I took a drive to the island. With more willingness than I thought possible of myself, I approached an unsafe area opting to stop and park. Not the best area to be alone in, yet I walked. Fear didn’t fill me. Strange. I’ve always been scared. I took pictures of brokenness everywhere. Randomly. I left. I drove away feeling slightly amused that nothing dangerous had happened. Silly girl, usually afraid of her own shadow.

The ferry took me over to the peninsula, and not many people were headed there so late in the day. My white Charger parked in the middle row, as if allowing the other cars on board to hug her tightly. I climbed the stairs, stood outside, and allowed the wind to blow through my hair. Where did I think I was going? I smelled the salty air. I closed my eyes. I was in pursuit. Not of myself, really, but of myself, truly.

I drove the main road for miles, listened to John Legend’s You And I on repeat, then I abruptly decided to stop the car. I placed my flip-flops on the hood and proceeded to wonder while walking the beach, I read the waves and settled my brain.

Following closely
Seashells show the journey long
Get me out of here

(I completely understand that the pronoun ‘I’ isn’t normally used in the Haibun prose, but I couldn’t keep from using it. Hope it doesn’t ruin the effort.) Critics are welcome! Please…