My Mess

essence everywhere
sliding, slowly, before me
found beauty, lifeless
and myself sat searching.
water breaks past roots, stones and debris
flows towards my lense; healing.
Chortles echo in the distance,
oh, one day love will be,
Verdant , my keeper – Forest King
show me where life will lead,
tears dampen this face, and my page,
Colorado heal me,
God, show me grace.

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Leaning Into Real

maybe writing this out will help me compartmentalize my thoughts
there are so many distractions as of late

The new year came in with swords drawn and a battle ensued
one I’m currently within

I’ve been rude to those around me when it was never my intention

maybe inside a daydream isn’t where I should reside, only making life worse

tangible moments, proof they exist, is where my heart currently lives

Faith begins and ends my day, serving makes sense inside my head
an inability to understand is fine, just accept me for who I am

all praise honor and glory be, yes to the Father,
and then it’s he.

He who is out there, slowly keeping pace
would begin and end my moments, but that’s only what I need.

no desire left to chase, fearful of ending back in a place where questioning motive and truth controls my each and every day.

does peace exist? are relationships worth creating…

me who’s father was gone too much, a mother who left all together
how do I believe this isn’t the pattern,
it’s happened, one after the other.

leaning into the belief, if love is meant to be

easing into a life alone, tending to sheep and children who are all too soon grown, where will I go?

Listening for the answers I know my God has planned, I pray I don’t mess this up
looking down at my empty hands.

knowing each and every piece given to me for care,
is one I’m made for and a joy to prepare.

Layered Confessions

Forcing myself to sit and listen to the layers within me.

Sorting through the wishing and the want, the need and pleading so that I might see truth.

I’ve never had much use for patience, yet I realize I must endure it’s process, if I’m to make you proud and find myself sitting near you.

There’s a stickiness after the honey is put back into the cubbard, that reminds me to wash my fingers, or make the choice to lick the stick away.

Maybe I’ve forgotten how to play.

While picking up at the end of the day, there’s a continuous stream of words I hear, “If you don’t then who will,” and so I bend at the waist and continue.

Beautiful blankets to fold, which keep us warm. Sleepy time tea at half past 12 leaves an empty cup beside me.

All require tending.

A flood of memories resume their normal station within my head each night, as the quiet takes over. I place yet another from my day beside them in hopes of room for one more.

Tears escape the wells in my eyes, as I wait for confirmation I was seen today.

Does anyone else feel this way…

I am my best friend, and my worst of enemies, and probably should be, but I’m tired of myself.

Now even I want to leave me.

Sharing my moments were intended for you. My heart steadfast in convincing. I want to believe.

How can it be love, in the end, I’m feeling.

Was I put here to take care of those near me? How much strength do I have? How much sadness can I hear? 

A season of sorrows pulls me closer – Can I endure?

Must I without you? Knowing full well I have Him and He should be enough to sustain me.

And do you know you sound like Him in my head now and I may never be able to live without you?

Confessions

And then my littlest voice says, “Stupid.”

My eyes look to the ground, my lip turns slightly to the side, I pack myself away and force that little voice back inside.

Enough for one day.

Mindful Clutter

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humbly,
how do I handle,
every thought found,
deep inside?
born,
without a voice,
kept hidden,
under my control.
bundled,
tightly upon,
my breasts,
ache, alive and well.
slowly,
pushing my mind,
irrationally so,
towards giving up.
aware,
i’m only one,
emotional woman,
who’s unworthy.
mindful,
i’m gravitating,
towards views,
full of clutter.
asking,
to sit beside,
material rubble,
for peace.

Miracles

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As if my clouds had warned specifically
Life does not end in a single breath
Have faith in Him and honor His test
Sit still, believe miracles happen daily

***
Update on Dad:

Initially, Dad refused treatment, further testing and our pleading words. The idea of him not taking the opportunity to try medical advancement was devastating news. Who makes that choice? A stubborn cowboy who doesn’t believe in doctors, I guess, maybe, someone unsure of what the fight will look like, and I can easily identify with that fear.

Eventually, Dad agreed to take the next step and was transferred to another hospital in Denver. I like to think he knew how much his refusal of treatment was affecting us and wanted to ease our pain, but I believe the support of my three siblings being with him through each step gave him the confidence to move forward. I understand, there’s a process that goes along with hearing such terrifying news. We tried to be patient.

Dad is surprisingly well, and it has been determined that he has less than Stage 1 Lukhemia.  His body has reacted to the initial procedures and medication and the blood results are amazing.  They are recommending that he do six months of chemo just to be sure all has been eliminated. Dad has agreed to do chemo twice a month and it’s a very low dose of treatment. This means no loss of hair or sickness, so business as usual for him, eventually.

Dad is home from the hospital and the pneumonia that put him there, due to low immunity, is under control. Had he not come down with pneumonia we would’ve gone much longer without knowing that he had Lukhemia, as it had been just short of 50 years since he’d seen a doctor for anything. Early detection saved his life. Our family is blessed.

So now…me and why I haven’t been around or writing. The highs and lows of it all had me so confused. I roll my eyes at myself, as I consider Dad’s emotions. I think shifting from horrid news to elation so quickly had me shocked.  Frozen, even. I took a few days to sort my feelings. How does this happen? Who cheats cancer like this? A blessing I cannot even wrap my head around, yet I know it is all God’s doing. Prayers were answered. We continue to pray that the chemo rids his body of anything that remains.

I think I’m back…maybe. Smiles.

The support I’ve received from y’all is humbling. Last week’s poetry was full of beautiful and loving comments and I thank you. Your emails proving your devotion continue to make me smile. Thank you…

The Greatest Man poem was the first poem I wrote after getting the call from my sister last Friday afternoon. It is now one of my personal favorites, as my Dad has proven to me that he continues to be my hero. I’m thankful that he realizes how much I do need him and how relieved we are that he is willing to fight cancer for himself and his family.

The Giggling Siblings poem was the night before some major tests. (defining the stage) I love looking back at that snapshot of our family pulling together and smiling. (Even if they were making fun of me…) All of us fearful of the news we’d eventually receive as the results came through in the days to follow, yet calmly waiting and diverting that fear with some giggling.

The result is a stronger bond, which none of us thought possible, as we’re already each other’s best friends. Maybe now, however, Dad understands how deep our love for him goes.

 

My Sister

A child was born on Mother’s Day
Looking similar to all the rest
A nursery full of beauty
God brought you to her
My Sister
~
Laid upon her breast
Blue eyes locked to blue eyes
You fell in love
She was a mere child, as well
My Sister
~
The first Grandchild
Daddy’s Boy and Momma’s Joy
Craig, our shining star
You could do no wrong in their eyes
My Sister
~
Watching you grow
Meeting milestones
Dad a strutting peacock
None of us with more pride than she
My Sister
~
One day dark clouds rolled in
No advancing past your own floor rolling
To the doctors we’d go
No one stronger than she
My Sister
~
Two full years later, finally a diagnosis
Cockayne Syndrome, wouldn’t you know
We sat in silence, held each other close
If only seven years, she’d make them go slow
My Sister
~
Craig you rested so well in her arms
We all spoke your silent language
A community of your devoted fans
But none as in love as she
My Sister
~
Your fifth birthday here in a flash
Two weeks later, you woke up for the last time
We all ran to your side
In a hospital room we cried, but none like her
My Sister
~
Nothing they could do had been decided
Three siblings sat surrounding your mother
She rocked you as we prayed
“God, please don’t take him from her-not today.”
My Sister
~
A strong little boy who could never walk
Much too frail, much too sick
Was Heaven sent from Him to her
Yet, at twenty-three she was asked to give you back
My Sister
~
Over a decade later you’re still gone
As a man you’d been seen – almost
Still Daddy’s Boy and Momma’s Joy
Blue eyes sparkling, at your Mother
My Sister
~
May, the month of beautiful beginnings
The source of every mother’s worst nightmare
Baby Sister, you made it through, pay no mind to the dark days
That’s when Craig is with you
My Sister

Twelve years ago…we miss you, Craig. We love you. Everyday we’re thankful for the time we had…♥

You Don’t Know Me

Another shot at a writing prompt from Mr. Don Charisma – Disapproval . Hope you enjoy! I am a bit nervous posting this one, but in true form…off the cuff it is. This will be my last poetry post until Monday. Enjoy your weekend! ~ Audrey
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I see how you look me,
Disappointed in my choices,
Sad for my soul.
Dismissive of my presence,
Within these four walls.
Hoping to stir inside of me,
Brutal melancholy.
Desires inside of you,
Need for me to change,
My thinking, my ways.
You eye my golden cross,
Which rests upon my breast,
A true devotion for His cause.
I will battle your urges,
Which I sense,
To rip this symbol from my chest.
I am His,
He is mine,
We work together, He is Devine.
You must take yourself away now,
His power will defeat your goals.
The intensity of you watching me,
Well, it seems rather bold.
Eye for an eye, if truth be told,
His proverbs from times of old.
Mustn’t strive to make those crumble,
Christians alive and well will meet,
Swords of Glory, til you stumble.
Back to where you came from Devil

Rolling On

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Pursuit of dreams
Like the fog at dawn
Rolling on
Eerily, they watch
Why do dreams chase
Honing their place
I offer nothing, officially
Still they consume, thinking
I feel them wrapping around
Enveloping
Encouraging
Enticing
My needs
My desires to prove
I am everything,
He created, beautifully
I can be me
Soul, mind and body
Never losing sight
Cherishing Heaven
My goal
Forcing authenticity
Those who contradict,
Try to detour, I’m told
The wicked one’s goal
Keep true
Allow them a view
Inside your heart and your mind

Thank You

I imagine
A tree
Strong
Growing
Nurished
Inside out
Green
Blossoming
Yet, bark, like skin
Scarred and rough
This tree
Just like you and me
Fed by the Father
Son
Holy Spirit
All uniquely
United to form One
Thank you, God
For bringing me
Courage
To be all I dreamed
Honesty
To allow sleep
Determination
To grow hearts
I Thank You
For all the transgressions
You forgave
Renewing the flesh
Which causes such pain
So one day
We’ll all live with You again

Honesty

I’m currently writing through some dark spots in my book, which means a lot of self-reflection pokes at my attention. I am broken, even with my deep faith, and after all these years. Thank you for sitting through a lot of darkness lately, and a bit more to come. I hope you’ll be there when this moment passes on.

So, while seeking deep inside myself, this conversation came to me. My Angel’s conversation with God as it arrived on paper yesterday. I have come to realize that I feel love, but I don’t trust love.

I am a child who grew up too soon due to divorce. I love my parents deeply. I have forgiven them quite easily and years ago. As an adult, I see how hard it is to always make the best decisions. No one is capable of that kind of perfection. Not me. Not my parents. They did the best they could with the tools they had at the time. I will not fault them for their decisions. Through a sad and lonely separation and then final divorce, both parents loved their children with complete devotion. This I know to be truer than true.

When I forgave my parents I began loving completely. Trusting love with everything I had. Too much, to the point where when those whom I loved the most let me down, I crumbled. I haven’t fully recovered from the deepest of betrayals. I’m the kind of girl who’s either all in or all out. I don’t have much gray. I was all in and my trust was broken. I am beginning to see that I’ve been all out, in regards to true love, ever since my world changed in 2007. I’m done being a prisoner to distrust. I’m on a path towards trusting love.

 At the end of the day, my friends, in complete honesty, this is what I’m struggling with right now. 

*********************

“Who is she?”
“Well, Audrey, of course.”
“Yeah, but she’s different.”
Yes, this I know.”
“I feel trouble.”
“Yes.”
“Help her!”
“I am.”
“There’s so much pain.”
“I know, but she’s beginning to understand why.”
“Do you think she’ll ever truly love.”
“That’s a question I cannot answer.”
“But, she’s a child of God.”
“Right now, she has trouble believing me.”
“Do you think she feels alone?”
“I think she believes she’s the only one.”
“You mean, who questions true love?”
“Yes, and love in all forms.”
“I’m beginning to understand.”
“Don’t you agree? It is obvious that she doesn’t fully trust anyone.”
“I’m piecing it all together.”
“Yes, she’s all alone by her own accord. Yet, surrounded by everyone who loves her.”
“I see all her friends.”
“She feels our devotion.”
“What will we do?”
“We can do nothing. She has work to do.”
“So we wait?”
“Yes, right here. We’ll guard her and hold her til this is over.”
“She’ll return?”
“Yes, she’ll be back. I already feel her near.”