Thank You

I imagine
A tree
Strong
Growing
Nurished
Inside out
Green
Blossoming
Yet, bark, like skin
Scarred and rough
This tree
Just like you and me
Fed by the Father
Son
Holy Spirit
All uniquely
United to form One
Thank you, God
For bringing me
Courage
To be all I dreamed
Honesty
To allow sleep
Determination
To grow hearts
I Thank You
For all the transgressions
You forgave
Renewing the flesh
Which causes such pain
So one day
We’ll all live with You again

Honesty

I’m currently writing through some dark spots in my book, which means a lot of self-reflection pokes at my attention. I am broken, even with my deep faith, and after all these years. Thank you for sitting through a lot of darkness lately, and a bit more to come. I hope you’ll be there when this moment passes on.

So, while seeking deep inside myself, this conversation came to me. My Angel’s conversation with God as it arrived on paper yesterday. I have come to realize that I feel love, but I don’t trust love.

I am a child who grew up too soon due to divorce. I love my parents deeply. I have forgiven them quite easily and years ago. As an adult, I see how hard it is to always make the best decisions. No one is capable of that kind of perfection. Not me. Not my parents. They did the best they could with the tools they had at the time. I will not fault them for their decisions. Through a sad and lonely separation and then final divorce, both parents loved their children with complete devotion. This I know to be truer than true.

When I forgave my parents I began loving completely. Trusting love with everything I had. Too much, to the point where when those whom I loved the most let me down, I crumbled. I haven’t fully recovered from the deepest of betrayals. I’m the kind of girl who’s either all in or all out. I don’t have much gray. I was all in and my trust was broken. I am beginning to see that I’ve been all out, in regards to true love, ever since my world changed in 2007. I’m done being a prisoner to distrust. I’m on a path towards trusting love.

 At the end of the day, my friends, in complete honesty, this is what I’m struggling with right now. 

*********************

“Who is she?”
“Well, Audrey, of course.”
“Yeah, but she’s different.”
Yes, this I know.”
“I feel trouble.”
“Yes.”
“Help her!”
“I am.”
“There’s so much pain.”
“I know, but she’s beginning to understand why.”
“Do you think she’ll ever truly love.”
“That’s a question I cannot answer.”
“But, she’s a child of God.”
“Right now, she has trouble believing me.”
“Do you think she feels alone?”
“I think she believes she’s the only one.”
“You mean, who questions true love?”
“Yes, and love in all forms.”
“I’m beginning to understand.”
“Don’t you agree? It is obvious that she doesn’t fully trust anyone.”
“I’m piecing it all together.”
“Yes, she’s all alone by her own accord. Yet, surrounded by everyone who loves her.”
“I see all her friends.”
“She feels our devotion.”
“What will we do?”
“We can do nothing. She has work to do.”
“So we wait?”
“Yes, right here. We’ll guard her and hold her til this is over.”
“She’ll return?”
“Yes, she’ll be back. I already feel her near.”

Fate

Within the night she runs far away
Upon the mountain top she climbs
She cries
You must tell me why
Shouting at the stars
Wishing upon a different fate
Mistakes made
Broken no longer clean
Endure
Falling down in the rocky ground
She welcomes even more pain
To take it for you, you and you
Mistakes
Never offer understanding
Instantly
Misery enjoys company
Leave quickly
She’s coming

Faith

A battle inside of me that I wanted to share. I think a lot of us can identify with what I’ve written. It’s okay to argue with God, the one who loves us the most. I love that He pushes me to strive for more and to believe in myself. I’m thankful He’s always with me.

**************

Just show me what You want
Is it my truest of feeling upfront
I feel you shoving me into a corner
Suppose I fear judgement, ridicule and opposing statements
Who will protect me from my own aberration
I feel You don’t care

You push me to write where I’m not arranged
Yes, of course, I notice what You’re shepherding
You think I’m ready, I’m naysaying
The thoughts in my mind I can’t identify
Truly brought on by the Divine
I sense Your agenda

I agree, what I feel captivates and rings true
What You don’t tolerate is this girl’s admittance to being frightened, too
Lost in thoughts of what this journey will allow
God, please come with me
A Pandora’s box of emotions will be used
I know, You know, I’m bruised

Twas it yesterday when those actions caused ruin?
A battle which seemed fated changed me forever
Because of you, now I must heal the deepest of wounds!
In order to show that Your faith in us rings true
How dare You strengthen me in Your own time!
I understand You think I’m primed

I’m forced to play catch up
Your Holy presence proves Divine
To question You, not my intention
I feel weakened by Your intervention
Through this I know it is for the best
A life’s quest

Fear: My Old Friend

 On occasion I have this negative voice that enters my mind. He reminds me that I have the ability to dwell in fear. I just needed to let him know that I’m not afraid, even if I feel completely exposed. 

Fear: I saw you today, Courage. What you did, well, it was cute.

Courage: I got up there on that step. I wrote it. I read it!

Fear: It was amateur, at best.

Courage: I felt alive. Wasn’t I brilliant!?

Fear: I don’t know about that, Courage. I think I still found the perfect dark spot within you.

Courage: No you didn’t, Fear. I wasn’t weak. You witnessed strength.

Fear: Nope, I know what I saw. You did it, but then you ran and hid. I saw your eyes.

Courage: Shut up!

Fear: I’m just being honest. I thought you should know, it’ll be okay. Stick to what you know, friend.

Courage: I didn’t ask for your help. I thought you’d left, anyway.

Fear: Why would I leave? You’re just getting comfortable.

Courage: I think you’re scared of me, actually.

Fear: I am not, please, yeah right.

Courage: I think so. Just look at this, it seems, I can almost see right through you.

Fear: What? Where?

Courage: See – like this…my hand slides right through your image. I barely feel you.

Fear: Wait. Oh, that?

Courage: So you do see it happening? Good.

Fear: Psst! Your mistake, Courage. I’m still here. I allow myself different packaging.

Courage: How? Please explain…

Fear:  See, I would, but I needn’t bother. You still find me everywhere. Silly girl…

I chose to write it out, in spite of him, in an effort to keep the upper hand…

Daniel 10: 19-21. (Joshua 1: 6-7, 2 Corinthians 12:9)

It’s Been A Long Time Friends

Today is a silly story kind of day. I’m feeling very happy and extremely energized, so right off I’m thinking today is going to be fantastic. For starters, I’m not working! Yay, half day of uninterrupted writing for me. This is so super exciting, are ya feelin’ me? Then on top of that, we get to discuss friendship tonight, oh boy. 1095037_538267882889558_1712157000_n

Do I have something to say about that! 

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My ‘No Matter What’ Friends

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Do you have people in your life who enrich it to the point that it begins feeling disingenuous? I have been considering this for some time now. I have been blessed with some of the most encouraging friends and for the life of me I don’t know why. I don’t feel like I have returned their encouragement as well as they have given it out. I often walk away wondering, what I’ve done to deserve their love and acceptance.

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