I’ve been taught to listen to your voice. Your very presence surrounding. With guidance, truth will set me free. Impossibilities become belief, and fear – a season left behind me.
So shall joy find me in the morning dew, while visions shine across the cerulean sky, there’s no fleeing. Only a welcoming off the wings of dawn and it is precious, search me.
Today, be a guest, nature – object of The Creator – sit closer than ever before, logic can’t touch this, and its within Him we all find rest.
The day had finally arrived it was Mom’s pick.
The dreaded Bible Museum, “… this is my no discussion item.”
“You understand it costs $30, right?”
“Yep, I do, and I’ll gladly buy the tickets. It’s my turn today.”
“Mom, there are so many places to visit and they cost you nothing. I know why you want to go, but this is an expensive trip as is…”
“I can’t come all this way and not go, plus I’ve already lost the cathedral visit because of their schedule.”
“You lead the way.”
“I need to manage my time right so I don’t miss the next showing of A Walk Through Creation. The lady said start on the third floor.”
A few moments later.
“Mom, come look. Mom, do you see this? Mom, this is soo old. Mom, I could stay just in this room for an hour. Mom, I need a picture of that. Mom, these artifacts are priceless.”
“Now you understand why I cried when I saw the Gutenberg Bible yesterday, sweet child of mine.”
” If you’re up to waiting I think we should do the Walk Through the Old Testament, they line up over there.”
“I’d really love to, yes.”
“Wow, this is bright.”
“Yes, son, and then there was light.”
“Their depiction of the rainbow is beautiful…”
“God’s promise.”
Many, many, many moments later.
“Mom, I’m didn’t expect to learn so much. You do realize where all that came from? I’d do this again, for sure. This is a top D.C. spot for me.”
“Its kinda like I knew all along. You are my son…”
– Learning –
a collection of photos and poems.
***As I begin sharing the last few poems of the D.C. collection, I’d like to say thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts.
-Aud
grounded faithfully
focused beyond symbolism
What? Who? Over where?
***
– Learning –
a collection of photos and poems.
a wooden hand cross holds
my hand back; touched
a child’s toy soldier to remind
me daily of him; once protected
a rock from the mountains; pure
joy exists.
Compartmentalized needs.
deteriorating wall
color combinations weak
periscope, maybe
***
A few housecleaning details for y’all today. I am aware it is Friday, and nobody likes cleaning on the edge of a weekend, but I needed to say thanks for all the recent follows. AND thank you for not giving up on my poetry.
The giggles are returning which is always a good sign. I’ve been writing a lot, but mostly I’ve been working. A lot. Like, a lot a lot. This past year has been incredibly busy with churches closed for many.
When the inevitable occurred it made my day job 100% harder.
I have become quite familiar with bells, whistles, bright lights, more technology, post offices, zoom, louder microphones and standing on my head. I’ve never been accused of having a case of “the look at me’s” so you can imagine what having to do so did for my soul.
My creativity took a beating as did all my relationships.
I’ll be sprucing up the place and working on updating my pages, as I focus on getting things ready for an announcement many have waited years to hear.
Find beauty in your weekend my loves,
Aud
essence everywhere
sliding, slowly, before me
found beauty, lifeless
and myself sat searching.
water breaks past roots, stones and debris
flows towards my lense; healing.
Chortles echo in the distance,
oh, one day love will be,
Verdant , my keeper – Forest King
show me where life will lead,
tears dampen this face, and my page,
Colorado heal me,
God, show me grace.
maybe writing this out will help me compartmentalize my thoughts
there are so many distractions as of late
The new year came in with swords drawn and a battle ensued
one I’m currently within
I’ve been rude to those around me when it was never my intention
maybe inside a daydream isn’t where I should reside, only making life worse
tangible moments, proof they exist, is where my heart currently lives
Faith begins and ends my day, serving makes sense inside my head
an inability to understand is fine, just accept me for who I am
all praise honor and glory be, yes to the Father,
and then it’s he.
He who is out there, slowly keeping pace
would begin and end my moments, but that’s only what I need.
no desire left to chase, fearful of ending back in a place where questioning motive and truth controls my each and every day.
does peace exist? are relationships worth creating…
me who’s father was gone too much, a mother who left all together
how do I believe this isn’t the pattern,
it’s happened, one after the other.
leaning into the belief, if love is meant to be
easing into a life alone, tending to sheep and children who are all too soon grown, where will I go?
Listening for the answers I know my God has planned, I pray I don’t mess this up
looking down at my empty hands.
knowing each and every piece given to me for care,
is one I’m made for and a joy to prepare.
Forcing myself to sit and listen to the layers within me.
Sorting through the wishing and the want, the need and pleading so that I might see truth.
I’ve never had much use for patience, yet I realize I must endure it’s process, if I’m to make you proud and find myself sitting near you.
There’s a stickiness after the honey is put back into the cubbard, that reminds me to wash my fingers, or make the choice to lick the stick away.
Maybe I’ve forgotten how to play.
While picking up at the end of the day, there’s a continuous stream of words I hear, “If you don’t then who will,” and so I bend at the waist and continue.
Beautiful blankets to fold, which keep us warm. Sleepy time tea at half past 12 leaves an empty cup beside me.
All require tending.
A flood of memories resume their normal station within my head each night, as the quiet takes over. I place yet another from my day beside them in hopes of room for one more.
Tears escape the wells in my eyes, as I wait for confirmation I was seen today.
Does anyone else feel this way…
I am my best friend, and my worst of enemies, and probably should be, but I’m tired of myself.
Now even I want to leave me.
Sharing my moments were intended for you. My heart steadfast in convincing. I want to believe.
How can it be love, in the end, I’m feeling.
Was I put here to take care of those near me? How much strength do I have? How much sadness can I hear?
A season of sorrows pulls me closer – Can I endure?
Must I without you? Knowing full well I have Him and He should be enough to sustain me.
And do you know you sound like Him in my head now and I may never be able to live without you?
Confessions
And then my littlest voice says, “Stupid.”
My eyes look to the ground, my lip turns slightly to the side, I pack myself away and force that little voice back inside.
Enough for one day.
Between He And I
i cried with Him,
wept, really,
as i gazed toward
a sovereign horizon.
i don’t want to be alone forever,
i finally shared. inconsolable.
yet, with understanding,
i accept: His time, and His way.
so i made a choice to cling
to my vision of happily-ever-after
and my adoration of its imperfection.
functions transposed
believability a mystery
hidden, as intended
wonder still exists
pressure lingers
faith’s instigator
yet, vastness continues
discovery imperative
When practicing
Care for self
I remain convinced
There’s no one
More important,
Trust your sixth sense
If it’s too good
To be true
They say,
It is
So if
Our bodies shut down
This moment is,
A natural refusal
For what we’ve allowed
Springtime twilight royal
Atop sweet apricot hues,
Feet kicked up, porch side
A slow country view,
Illuminate my horizon, love
And stare, as I wink towards you.
because in his care
I feel protected
so finding beauty
in simplicity
reflects his love
and my peace
let go now
embrace their love
take your flight
pass along side of us
and exhale, peacefully
He’s waiting
(Photo taken by my baby sister, Leah. Y’all see the cross, right? This random photo caught not too long ago is a gift. A comfort during hard times for anyone losing a loved one far too soon.)
I’m
For you
He made me
For you
He taught me to love
For you
He showed me compassion
For you
He lived perfectly, so I didn’t have to
For you
He loves me as I am
For you
He is patient with me
For you
He is my best friend
For you
He trusts me
For you
He believes in me
For you
He released me
For you
Wary of your destined flow,
Not knowing if you’ll return,
To me, is terrifying, always.
Peace soothes,
My mind
My desire
My heart
In your absence.
The deep impression of your approach,
Breathes into my obedient soul,
When I’m quiet enough to honor you.
humbly,
how do I handle,
every thought found,
deep inside?
born,
without a voice,
kept hidden,
under my control.
bundled,
tightly upon,
my breasts,
ache, alive and well.
slowly,
pushing my mind,
irrationally so,
towards giving up.
aware,
i’m only one,
emotional woman,
who’s unworthy.
mindful,
i’m gravitating,
towards views,
full of clutter.
asking,
to sit beside,
material rubble,
for peace.
As if my clouds had warned specifically
Life does not end in a single breath
Have faith in Him and honor His test
Sit still, believe miracles happen daily
***
Update on Dad:
Initially, Dad refused treatment, further testing and our pleading words. The idea of him not taking the opportunity to try medical advancement was devastating news. Who makes that choice? A stubborn cowboy who doesn’t believe in doctors, I guess, maybe, someone unsure of what the fight will look like, and I can easily identify with that fear.
Eventually, Dad agreed to take the next step and was transferred to another hospital in Denver. I like to think he knew how much his refusal of treatment was affecting us and wanted to ease our pain, but I believe the support of my three siblings being with him through each step gave him the confidence to move forward. I understand, there’s a process that goes along with hearing such terrifying news. We tried to be patient.
Dad is surprisingly well, and it has been determined that he has less than Stage 1 Lukhemia. His body has reacted to the initial procedures and medication and the blood results are amazing. They are recommending that he do six months of chemo just to be sure all has been eliminated. Dad has agreed to do chemo twice a month and it’s a very low dose of treatment. This means no loss of hair or sickness, so business as usual for him, eventually.
Dad is home from the hospital and the pneumonia that put him there, due to low immunity, is under control. Had he not come down with pneumonia we would’ve gone much longer without knowing that he had Lukhemia, as it had been just short of 50 years since he’d seen a doctor for anything. Early detection saved his life. Our family is blessed.
So now…me and why I haven’t been around or writing. The highs and lows of it all had me so confused. I roll my eyes at myself, as I consider Dad’s emotions. I think shifting from horrid news to elation so quickly had me shocked. Frozen, even. I took a few days to sort my feelings. How does this happen? Who cheats cancer like this? A blessing I cannot even wrap my head around, yet I know it is all God’s doing. Prayers were answered. We continue to pray that the chemo rids his body of anything that remains.
I think I’m back…maybe. Smiles.
The support I’ve received from y’all is humbling. Last week’s poetry was full of beautiful and loving comments and I thank you. Your emails proving your devotion continue to make me smile. Thank you…
The Greatest Man poem was the first poem I wrote after getting the call from my sister last Friday afternoon. It is now one of my personal favorites, as my Dad has proven to me that he continues to be my hero. I’m thankful that he realizes how much I do need him and how relieved we are that he is willing to fight cancer for himself and his family.
The Giggling Siblings poem was the night before some major tests. (defining the stage) I love looking back at that snapshot of our family pulling together and smiling. (Even if they were making fun of me…) All of us fearful of the news we’d eventually receive as the results came through in the days to follow, yet calmly waiting and diverting that fear with some giggling.
The result is a stronger bond, which none of us thought possible, as we’re already each other’s best friends. Maybe now, however, Dad understands how deep our love for him goes.
Flourishing hearts
Sat among themselves
Learning from one another
How to go and serve others well
***
Try to remember to be kind to one another today. Serve those around you out of love and respect. Allow love to spread to those who need to feel it the most. May love change their heart. By doing this I pray we teach the world how to coexist.
Oldest Daughter & Red Headed Sister 