Honesty

I’m currently writing through some dark spots in my book, which means a lot of self-reflection pokes at my attention. I am broken, even with my deep faith, and after all these years. Thank you for sitting through a lot of darkness lately, and a bit more to come. I hope you’ll be there when this moment passes on.

So, while seeking deep inside myself, this conversation came to me. My Angel’s conversation with God as it arrived on paper yesterday. I have come to realize that I feel love, but I don’t trust love.

I am a child who grew up too soon due to divorce. I love my parents deeply. I have forgiven them quite easily and years ago. As an adult, I see how hard it is to always make the best decisions. No one is capable of that kind of perfection. Not me. Not my parents. They did the best they could with the tools they had at the time. I will not fault them for their decisions. Through a sad and lonely separation and then final divorce, both parents loved their children with complete devotion. This I know to be truer than true.

When I forgave my parents I began loving completely. Trusting love with everything I had. Too much, to the point where when those whom I loved the most let me down, I crumbled. I haven’t fully recovered from the deepest of betrayals. I’m the kind of girl who’s either all in or all out. I don’t have much gray. I was all in and my trust was broken. I am beginning to see that I’ve been all out, in regards to true love, ever since my world changed in 2007. I’m done being a prisoner to distrust. I’m on a path towards trusting love.

 At the end of the day, my friends, in complete honesty, this is what I’m struggling with right now. 

*********************

“Who is she?”
“Well, Audrey, of course.”
“Yeah, but she’s different.”
Yes, this I know.”
“I feel trouble.”
“Yes.”
“Help her!”
“I am.”
“There’s so much pain.”
“I know, but she’s beginning to understand why.”
“Do you think she’ll ever truly love.”
“That’s a question I cannot answer.”
“But, she’s a child of God.”
“Right now, she has trouble believing me.”
“Do you think she feels alone?”
“I think she believes she’s the only one.”
“You mean, who questions true love?”
“Yes, and love in all forms.”
“I’m beginning to understand.”
“Don’t you agree? It is obvious that she doesn’t fully trust anyone.”
“I’m piecing it all together.”
“Yes, she’s all alone by her own accord. Yet, surrounded by everyone who loves her.”
“I see all her friends.”
“She feels our devotion.”
“What will we do?”
“We can do nothing. She has work to do.”
“So we wait?”
“Yes, right here. We’ll guard her and hold her til this is over.”
“She’ll return?”
“Yes, she’ll be back. I already feel her near.”

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55 thoughts on “Honesty

  1. My thoughts on this could fill paragraphs.. two quotes will provide a start for some of what I would say:

    Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other. ~ Quote, Dalai Lama

    Just remember that what you seek you will not find, but in the path of your happiness, when you are loving life the most, what you were seeking will find you. ~ X Quote

    You can’t have a great day, you have to make one, and it starts with counting your blessing, no matter how small that pile of treasures is. Its a ritual you should do each day. Sharon Bonin-Pratt was right on the money when she said.. It isn’t that they deserve to be forgiven as much as you need to be forgiving. Take the word respect.. giving respect isn’t about who you giving it to, its about yourself, who you are. So much of life isn’t about what is coming in but what is coming out of us. We have the opportunity to be conduits for more love than we can handle, an infinite well spring from within, and when we let that manna pour through us, we are transformed.

  2. Dear Audrey,

    I ran across this quote a while ago and it spoke to me. Maybe you’ve seen it, but just in case, I pass it along in the hope that it will speak to you, too.

    “Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”

    ― Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum

    • Oh, Hemm. A fierce quote, lovely, too. “for solitude will also break you with its yearning.” This breaks my heart. I know I’ve mentioned to you how I’m at the point in grieving where I worry I’ll be alone forever, which is such madness, because I am a redhead, and redheads are so worth it. Smiles. (You get my humor.) This reference to apples is serindiputous. The life I was meant to have will come and has begun really, and it’s welcome.
      Loved this…and thank you for the encouragement tonight. You’re quite a guy and I’m happy our worlds found a way to collide a few years ago. Your talented eye and humor has been a blessing. xx

  3. Reblogged this on Oldest Daughter & Red Headed Sister and commented:

    Rarely do I rebolg and never have I reblogged my own words, but today as I reflect on what is asked of me in this new life of mine, I saw this again. It made me shudder in disbelief and nod sadly. Why, after three years am I still struggling to believe trust exists. Today, I open my heart to the act of trusting. Maybe someone out there will, too. The post is a bit of a rambling, but that conversation I wrote down there is the presence of love and trust, as I live and breathe.

    • It’s a long journey, Audrey, one that never ends, at least not in perfection. Don’t be afraid to travel. Laughter and joy are worth the tears and despair because having nothing is worth nothing at all.

      I care, you know I do, you can email me if you need more love and support.
      Shari

    • Perfectionism. Huh. Maybe that’s part of my problem, which you’ve clearly opened my eyes to and I’m grateful for. I have always held people to the highest of standards, yet when they fail I’ve offered grace. Lots of it. Over and over again. With the same amount of love for them. I don’t allow myself the same, but I’m getting better at it.
      Thank you for offering your ear. I may email you. You’ve always given me solid advice. Love your heart. We’ve come a long way.

  4. Beautiful words and as this post suggests, complete honesty. The dialogue you have below I believe is one people have within their minds (speaking to their angels) trying to figure out both love and life. It seems life is full of a lot more muck than happiness ~ and that may be true, so in response I simply ignore the muck and look forward to whatever happiness may be ahead. That proverbial light shining at the end of the tunnel. Wishing you the best…such great words you write 🙂

  5. We all do the best we can with what we have, including the author. Give yourself credit, cut yourself some slack and know that we are and will continue to be here for you. Just for the record, I went through some tough times, a long time ago. I tried to write about that, and I wrote crap (fortunately, no computers back then). Your writing is amazing. You have been able to cover some very rough ground and put it into beautiful words. Words that, even if they aren’t helping you, will help others.

  6. Uhhhhh, I know how difficult it can be, my friend. I’ve been through the wringer and back myself and it’s so darn hard. I empathize. I know I’ve read and commented on this before, and comments are closed as of late, but just know that you are not forgotten and you are loved ok.
    Will be praying for ya. I know you will come through.
    ❤ Much love ❤

  7. I can just repeat what I said last year! “I shall always be here to help you Audrey if you need me you know where I am , I am always ready to listen or talk! Be well be blessed be happy!! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx “

  8. Wish I had seen this a year ago. The sad part is sometimes we have to walk the dark road alone. Hopefully when you break into the light you will see all of us waiting for you.

  9. I’ve been going through my own shade of troubles, and as hard as I tried to put it in words, I simply couldn’t. Until I read this:
    “I have come to realize that I feel love, but I don’t trust love.”
    Now not only do I know what it means, but it gives me a certain measure of clarity.
    Thank you.

    • Aww, I’m at peace now after your words. It was my hope that by finding the courage to write this it would help someone. That someone was you. Hi, I’m Audrey. I’m always here and you can bounce anything off these shoulders. I make a pretty good friend. I will keep you in my thoughts, too.

      Thank you for finding the courage to share your feelings with me. We are not alone. 🙂

      Hugs,
      Audrey

  10. Thank you for sharing. This is very moving. I’m Glad you are working through your feelings and discerning what is truth and what are lies. Remember, we are not to put all of our faith into man, but we CAN put all of our faith in Jesus. He’s the only perfect one. And He calls us to love him first with all our hearts, minds, and souls, and then to love others as we love ourselves. I realize you are not really questioning this. You are talking about trusting love. I am no writer or scholar, but this is just some truth that I am learning more and more and thought I would share it with you, as it is related.

    Love you friend!
    Autumn

  11. Oh, Audith! I don’t know all the details, but I’ll keep you in prayer. And you seem to be moving in the right direction. You’re a strong lady and a good one. (All in or out is just the way to be!) 😀

  12. What a moving post – and what honesty expressed. Thank you for sharing this. Wounded children have such a fight to achieve wholeness; seems sometimes that the fight never ends. But you’ve been able to take the pain and use it in your writing. Perhaps that helps a bit, hey? 🙂

  13. Wow Audrey, what vulnerability and transparency. I, for one, appreciate that. I really love this last part, ” she’ll return? Yes, she’ll be back…” I can relate all too well, been there before, more than once and am sort of that spot right now. I like to think of it as growing pains and opportunties for deeper understanding. Gotta wrestle a bit (or a lot) first.
    =)

  14. Audrey Dawn,
    I’ve sensed your pain for a very long time. You sound like me in so many ways, so full of hurt and confusion, so frightened and insecure. You’ve begun that process of living and you need to continue. The first is to forgive those near you who have brought you so much pain because it’s the only way to move forward. It isn’t that they deserve to be forgiven as much as you need to be forgiving. You’re doing that but you need to work harder at that reality, not just say the words. Next, you need to forgive yourself because you are blaming you, the little girl you, the hurting you, for things that, no matter the circumstances, are long over. You cannot make any peace with God until you do those two things: forgive others, forgive yourself. I’m not Christian, but we Jews believe in much the same idea of forgiveness. It has to come with resolution to do better with yourself and your friends and neighbors in future, maybe even to asking for forgiveness from them. It isn’t OK just to say you forgive. You must live the act of forgiving.
    Part of being in love and of loving is understanding that we are all growing and changing. Sometimes we grow in different ways, so growing away from one you love is a possibility. And that person may grow away from you. But would you never want to experience love, and I mean that in the broadest sense, just to avoid pain? Isn’t this what makes us human, that we love outside the bounds of reason, without logic or reward, but just because we are vulnerable and can love and be loved? How could we ever feel joy and love and hope if we’ve never felt pain and rage and despair?
    When Moses stood on the banks of the Jordan River and looked across to the Promised Land, knowing that he would never walk on the ground to which he had brought his people, he did not turn back with regret or anger. He looked at it; his heart ached with true pain, but he stood there and saw what he knew would never be his land to walk upon. It was enough to know that his children and grandchildren and his people would walk there. It was enough to know that he had loved enough, lived enough, to have brought these people to this place.
    Trust yourself. Be open to possibilities without knowing what the end might be, because closed doors welcome no one and no experiences worth having. Living is only possible with the door opened.
    Be well. And you will be well.
    Shari *: )

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