I’m currently writing through some dark spots in my book, which means a lot of self-reflection pokes at my attention. I am broken, even with my deep faith, and after all these years. Thank you for sitting through a lot of darkness lately, and a bit more to come. I hope you’ll be there when this moment passes on.
So, while seeking deep inside myself, this conversation came to me. My Angel’s conversation with God as it arrived on paper yesterday. I have come to realize that I feel love, but I don’t trust love.
I am a child who grew up too soon due to divorce. I love my parents deeply. I have forgiven them quite easily and years ago. As an adult, I see how hard it is to always make the best decisions. No one is capable of that kind of perfection. Not me. Not my parents. They did the best they could with the tools they had at the time. I will not fault them for their decisions. Through a sad and lonely separation and then final divorce, both parents loved their children with complete devotion. This I know to be truer than true.
When I forgave my parents I began loving completely. Trusting love with everything I had. Too much, to the point where when those whom I loved the most let me down, I crumbled. I haven’t fully recovered from the deepest of betrayals. I’m the kind of girl who’s either all in or all out. I don’t have much gray. I was all in and my trust was broken. I am beginning to see that I’ve been all out, in regards to true love, ever since my world changed in 2007. I’m done being a prisoner to distrust. I’m on a path towards trusting love.
At the end of the day, my friends, in complete honesty, this is what I’m struggling with right now.
“Who is she?”
“Well, Audrey, of course.”
“Yeah, but she’s different.”
“Yes, this I know.”
“I feel trouble.”
“There’s so much pain.”
“I know, but she’s beginning to understand why.”
“Do you think she’ll ever truly love.”
“That’s a question I cannot answer.”
“But, she’s a child of God.”
“Right now, she has trouble believing me.”
“Do you think she feels alone?”
“I think she believes she’s the only one.”
“You mean, who questions true love?”
“Yes, and love in all forms.”
“I’m beginning to understand.”
“Don’t you agree? It is obvious that she doesn’t fully trust anyone.”
“I’m piecing it all together.”
“Yes, she’s all alone by her own accord. Yet, surrounded by everyone who loves her.”
“I see all her friends.”
“She feels our devotion.”
“What will we do?”
“We can do nothing. She has work to do.”
“So we wait?”
“Yes, right here. We’ll guard her and hold her til this is over.”
“Yes, she’ll be back. I already feel her near.”