Honesty

Rarely do I rebolg and never have I reblogged my own words, but today as I reflect on what is asked of me in this new life of mine, I saw this again. It made me shudder in disbelief and nod sadly. Why, after three years am I still struggling to believe trust exists. Today, I open my heart to the act of trusting. Maybe someone out there will, too. The post is a bit of a rambling, but that conversation I wrote down there is the presence of love and trust, as I live and breathe.

Oldest Daughter & Red Headed Sister

I’m currently writing through some dark spots in my book, which means a lot of self-reflection pokes at my attention. I am broken, even with my deep faith, and after all these years. Thank you for sitting through a lot of darkness lately, and a bit more to come. I hope you’ll be there when this moment passes on.

So, while seeking deep inside myself, this conversation came to me. My Angel’s conversation with God as it arrived on paper yesterday. I have come to realize that I feel love, but I don’t trust love.

I am a child who grew up too soon due to divorce. I love my parents deeply. I have forgiven them quite easily and years ago. As an adult, I see how hard it is to always make the best decisions. No one is capable of that kind of perfection. Not me. Not my parents. They did…

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32 thoughts on “Honesty

  1. I think this medium, of writing, is kind of therapeutic, at least for me. Everybody has their lows, just hoping that the lows turn into ups.
    Hey I’m still here to flirt by they way….. that sounded bad. Anyways, I got through my own shit while I and the others talk about bullshit, I know is not for all, but helps me to be postivie, although I m a good listerner, so I will lend you my ear, for 5 dollars, and you can talk to it.

    • Thank you, but you sound like my shrink…. I did tell her, it is a her and hoooot, I did tell her that I suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Flirt, or OCF, but ….I have no idea what I was going to say next, nothing romantic that is for sure, yet, I can still be me, and the girls will answer to my calling of duty, some……love ya

  2. I don’t usually reblog either, but I missed this the first time around, so I’m glad you did. It’s crushingly hard to be 100 percent honest in our writing, but I think you come awfully close, ma’am! I think many of us think we’re honest, but we hold a few things back, things we’re not quite ready to admit to ourselves or to others. I don’t see you doing that. What we see is who you are, and that’s refreshingly honest! Isn’t it amazing to read the things we wrote so many years ago and see how far we’ve come?!?

  3. So why in the world do you have issues with honesty? Let me smack you around a bit, life is tough, you know that, it will bring you down and the longer you stay down the worst. So point being, get the hell up, and be the meanest of them all, if you can, and if not just deal with the bull…sht.
    Pisses me off this kind of thing.
    I do still love ya<3

    By the way I didn´t get more comments from you, and I was preparing dinner for an American woman, and it had some crazy red things, but it was good I´ll tell you that

    • You’ve asked a question I can’t answer with anything more than for the same reasons anyone does, Charly. Because my trust was broken. Happens to everyone at some point or another. Everyone. There’s peace in knowing this fact. Me? Me be the meanest of them all? Rarely. I do have the temper of an Scottish Princess, but I’m quite slow to boil. So no, my heart understands far too much, but I appreciate the pep talk. Thanks, love you, too, Charly. You meanie… 😉

  4. Audrey. You may think you are somehow a failure because something still applies years later, but you’re not. What you are is honest. Most of the time we put on these masks and we tell ourselves and the world at large, we’re doing better, we say this because we believe by being positive we can negate the negative. But that’s not how reality works. In reality we ebb and flow. We have greater understanding and joy at times, and then we sink and climb up to the light again. To live in a world where we are pressured to be happy 24/7 may logically make sense but emotionally it makes us exhausted. Your honesty doesn’t reflect a failure, it reflects a strength. You are stronger now because you can ADMIT how you feel, you are stronger now for your truth and your vision. You may think you cannot love anymore than you ever could but just knowing that means you can. You have come a long way and the only way you can ever know that is through reflection and honesty which you have. You are on a journey as we all are but yours is insightful and truthful whilst many people hide behind defunct masks. I admire that about you. If you were a person who never had questions I would think you didn’t strive with all of you to be the authentic and good person you are. People may say they trust but all of us have doubts, to express them is no weakness, it is strength. You are far stronger than you realize, and moreover you are wiser. Trying to figure out these things as your friend says, makes us human, to deny them to ourselves means we’re not ready to face them. You are. You face them and you vanquish far more than you realize. A bad moment or day does not dictate your life, so whilst you are 3 years back you are 3 years onwards too. Never forget the steps you have made, even if you reflect back on those you made before, that doesn’t mean you maudlin it makes you brave. Personally I think you can love even if you don’t 100 percent trust because trust does have to be earned. Either way I wish you LOVE and I wish you courage because we all need it in this world and I for one believe you already possess it.

    • Candice, I’m relieved to read you see honesty in my post, and not a woes me seeking attention. From the beginning of this blog, the reason it began, my goal was to say what I needed to say, what my head and heart fought so hard to keep me from revealing. Each time I share here I have to hold my breath before hitting the publish button. (All on timers, of course 😉 ) Wondering will someone hear me, as I’ve spent too much of my life not saying what I need or believe. Thinking most of the time, nobody has time for one more story. So here, I tell my story. I’m thankful I have listeners and I’m a better person for the opportunity to listen to them.

      I write of love. I write of love because I want it in my life. More than anything. I’ve said this before here, but I AM loved. Very much. I have a family that adores me. I’m the luckiest girl in the world. There’s just this one area of my heart, my head, that says…for how long…and I know I’m not alone in this thinking. One day, love will come and it’s answer will be always. It’s what we all need to hear.

      Thank you, my wise one. Your words mean so much.. xoxo

    • Audrey lovely girl, you are not self-pitying. If you were it would be okay as what’s wrong with that? But you’re not, so it’s a moot point as far as your writing is concerned. You are far more giving than taking so that’s the very opposite of self-anything. I think it’s that you do not get as much as you give and recognizing the unevenness of that which makes such a good point and purpose. You do write so wonderfully of love and emotion and I particularly appreciate your ability to do this. I would expect you to be loved because you are very lovable and dear – you are loved as my friend also xo

  5. One of the great pieces of life is coming around full circle ~ and still not understanding love, but still absolutely having to trust it. The beauty in life is giving it your all, you don’t do that and I’m guessing the regrets will linger forever. Yes, “when those whom I loved the most let me down, I crumbled. I haven’t fully recovered from the deepest of betrayals…” can bring such pain, but for me it is all worth it. Trust and love, and regardless of how it turns out is what keep the world moving. Keeps the mind exploring.

    As I’ve said before, your words are beautiful words and as this post suggests, complete honesty. Trying to figure out both love and life is what keeps us human. Your strong emotions are what make you a poet 🙂 It is inevitable you will feel the weight of the world ~ it is your calling 🙂

    • Every decision is worth it, Randall. There isn’t any regret in my thought process. Each moment has helped define the woman I am. Who I’m proud to be. I continue to write of love. I want nothing more than for love to exist. As a poet, maybe I go too far. Deeper than what is asked of me, of anyone. I’m grateful for your support and understanding. Being this open and honest with myself and here has taken some consideration, but I’m the better for it. Another wall comes crashing down, which is good. Healthy.

      Thank you, my dear friend. You’ve been away a very long time. Glad you’re safe. Your kind and thoughtful words were wonderful to see. A little like coming home. That last line, right up there, inspires. Made me cry, Photographer, and exhale slowly. Lovely.
      Oh, and so nice to see you. Your time is precious. ♡

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