Not Your Fault

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Not your fault, I often question

Not your fault, I’m broken

Not your fault, you couldn’t ever understand my uncertainty.

Not your fault, my trust is hard to gain.

Not your fault, when often I’m distant or confused,

Not your fault, my conversation skills.

Not your fault, I’m used to my own silence

Not your fault, I don’t know which way to turn

Not your fault, I can’t process receiving concern

Not your fault, I discipline myself

Not your fault, I stay in control

Not your fault, I’m a soft shouldered girl.

Not your fault, I can’t talk

Not your fault, I come from two parents who were lost

Not your fault, I need so much

Not your fault, I feel less than

Not your fault, I can’t make it easy,

Not your fault, you deserve a Queen

Too Sweet

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feminine misfortune is
believing
but not enough
in herself,
the act of giving
yet missing
the gift,
created for soft
when circumstance
requires strength,
waiting at the back
humble, unaware if
it’s already too late

For the girls who wish they could just take, but lack, no not lack, but were created differently, we’re going to be fine. Sweet has her place. ♡

His Presence

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Red
Cardinal bird, a King
Came to see me
His voice authoritative
Until my eyes met his
Then tender he became
While looking intently into my soul
He touched the base of who I am,
Sensing my purpose, desire.
Have I touched him? No,
Yet, he is what I’ve known
Should exist.
Oh, light he provides
Stay, please
I am his.

*Photo doesn’t do these words justice, however, I had to try for a picture. Please excuse my inexperience.

Direction

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overwhelmed with responsibility
I listen to the rain fall for hours early this morning.
not a bird rejoices
as dawn breaks, although hidden
but the train travels through
twice, horn insistent.
strong coffee brews,
snowflakes appear
beauty automatic,
like women with blue eyes
and goldenrod hues of hair.
a tantrum wouldn’t fix
what’s inside my head,
use the wisdom and
traits God gave me
stop worrying about
what’s changing.
snowflakes fall
white covers the ground
my lilies now
curled back in fear,
winter refuses to leave
and I wish you were here.

He’s Lovely

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I may not wholeheartedly agree with this man’s first two sentences or the last thought on this subject, but the meat in the middle is the woman I continue to see when I look in the mirror. The only woman I’ve ever wanted to be…

I’m sorry I’ve been quiet as of late. There hasn’t been much room in my head for poetry.

I’ve missed y’all so much.

~Aud

Layered Confessions

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Forcing myself to sit and listen to the layers within me.

Sorting through the wishing and the want, the need and pleading so that I might see truth.

I’ve never had much use for patience, yet I realize I must endure it’s process, if I’m to make you proud and find myself sitting near you.

There’s a stickiness after the honey is put back into the cubbard, that reminds me to wash my fingers, or make the choice to lick the stick away.

Maybe I’ve forgotten how to play.

While picking up at the end of the day, there’s a continuous stream of words I hear, “If you don’t then who will,” and so I bend at the waist and continue.

Beautiful blankets to fold, which keep us warm. Sleepy time tea at half past 12 leaves an empty cup beside me.

All require tending.

A flood of memories resume their normal station within my head each night, as the quiet takes over. I place yet another from my day beside them in hopes of room for one more.

Tears escape the wells in my eyes, as I wait for confirmation I was seen today.

Does anyone else feel this way…

I am my best friend, and my worst of enemies, and probably should be, but I’m tired of myself.

Now even I want to leave me.

Sharing my moments were intended for you. My heart steadfast in convincing. I want to believe.

How can it be love, in the end, I’m feeling.

Was I put here to take care of those near me? How much strength do I have? How much sadness can I hear? 

A season of sorrows pulls me closer – Can I endure?

Must I without you? Knowing full well I have Him and He should be enough to sustain me.

And do you know you sound like Him in my head now and I may never be able to live without you?

Confessions

And then my littlest voice says, “Stupid.”

My eyes look to the ground, my lip turns slightly to the side, I pack myself away and force that little voice back inside.

Enough for one day.

Sapphire Winter

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she longed to use words,
like sufficient, levity
with her ear towards
barren and lacking,
as it passes
in echos
across the plains.
snow covered beauty
upon her feet, as icicles
dangle like earrings
her curvy body now, complete.
cover her in ice
and believe in her shimmer,
standing eloquent
within her sun’s
radiant heat upon a seductive  sapphire winter.