Wide Open

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Possibilities endless
Progressing in a forward motion
Green on both sides like arms
Submissive smiles
Spring has arrived
Open road which offer curves
Thank you
May we all acquire what we deserve
Love
Forgiveness
Acceptance
Could this solve suffering
Somewhere there will always be a no,
Remember those who say yes
Shout from the top of the rolling hills
Life is worth living
Every bit
Take this road fast, as it transcends
Wide open destiny

Anger

I grew up taking care
soothing pains
of those who suffered.
Who taught me?
Two sisters, brother,
mother and a father.
~
Oldest Daughter
fights for all.
Redheaded sister
hugs when they fall.
~
Don’t tell me
I’m vain,
Superficial;
or bloody insane.
~
The poetry
I write
is of happiness,
often healing me
at the end
of my day.
~
I tend to
women’s tears,
when there’s no
money for simplicities.
~
I feed children
with no lunches,
after mothers
have forgotten.
~
I fix worn out clothes,
even when I don’t know how.
~
Trust me, these people
I know;
live in my heart.
~
I’m not
what your
eyes see,
my poetry,
an escape for me.
~
I write of love
hoping to create it
for all those who
are denied.
~
Yes, I admit, it helps me too.
~
Am I confident?
~
Yes, I cannot help
this part of me.
~
Take it or leave it.
~
Maybe, just let me be me.
~
I know suffering
I feel it everyday
humanity is
my sibling,
my child,
my sister,
my friend,
my brother,
and my end.
~
I will go to my grave
trying to save them all.
I’m allowing you
to catch me when I fall.
Look me in the eye
when you’re looking
for a fight.
~
This girl will react.
~
I just might…

Wholeheartedly

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Visiting unsafe places
At dawn
Creatures lurking
Yes, just right there
I’ve found a bridge
It’s been put there as a sign
I should walk across it
Leave the rest behind
Nervous
Today, I won’t allow fate’s misdirection
I see green, it surrounds
Proof you’re here somewhere
Hoping you’ll find me
You saved me once before
With your words so loud and with flare.
When you write of love and devotion,
This lady understands wholeheartedly.
I love you
I used to believe it was my mind,
doing amazing deeds for you.
This morning clarity allows me,
Quietly,
to agree it is your words,
which have changed me.

March

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Spring flowers
Growing wild outside,
And in my mind
Remind me why,
I chose today to fly
Should I trust
I’m a small bird
In a big world,
An overwhelming view
The rain was massive
A tsunami,  of sorts
The wind blew,
Yet allowed me to stand
Then made me climb mountains,
Scream towards this vast land
View ocean’s waves,
Pondering thoughts in my brain
But it was the train, train, train
What I would give for one more ride
One more try
I blame Spring Break
That nasty troll
The best was the robin red breast
I loved his sweet tune
All of these reminded me of you
March came in like a lion
Been sitting like a lamb
Bring the lion back
Is all I ask

I Choose To Believe

Searching for new words
To describe you
I dream about how they look
Tis like trying them on your body
Yes, sometimes I go there
Hesitant
They’ll need to feel like you
Yes, I go there, too
I choose to believe
My words find my muse
Time and time again
Yet this moment
Zero conformity
None of them suit
Your ability
Your wisdom unending
Contagious thoughts
A Charmer of bees
Holding my attention
Well, it isn’t easy
I drift
I dream
I see
My mind and words
forever spinning
You calm me
Bring me peace
What will I do if you ever leave
Never breathe
Visions of your back to me
I can’t handle
I choose to believe
Your need
Similar to mine
Maybe
Probably never
Bravery can handle life
If you must go
I’ve held my breath longer
I’m the Oldest Daughter
The Red Headed Sister
My names weren’t easily obtained
To the bottom of my heart is deep
Wide open
Still recieving
I choose to believe

Good News

My news for you
On this morning’s dew
Reality is, I understand
They didn’t offer you love
Did they?
You weren’t given the chance
Were you?
Did they leave
Work too much
Forget you existed
Left you on the side of the street
Those are all possibilities
I’m here
I’ve been there
Not to each place
Probably not yours
Yet, I understand
Feelings of abandonment
Each one of ours different
Can you allow me to remind
They may have never offered
But somewhere inside
They love you
Somehow they do
You felt it inside
Or you wouldn’t be here
You’re not dead
You’re alive
Don’t discount them
Over three words
Although not uttered
Maybe felt instead
By the most primal of sorts
If your pain is found in a deeper well
I’ll simply hold you
If you’d like just sit near
Please listen
Bring all of you
Come closer
I love you to pieces
I adore your soul
You are beautiful
You may not know what to do
Or where to go
Rest assured
He loves us
I’m here
I choose to care
Believe
I love you

 

Honesty

I’m currently writing through some dark spots in my book, which means a lot of self-reflection pokes at my attention. I am broken, even with my deep faith, and after all these years. Thank you for sitting through a lot of darkness lately, and a bit more to come. I hope you’ll be there when this moment passes on.

So, while seeking deep inside myself, this conversation came to me. My Angel’s conversation with God as it arrived on paper yesterday. I have come to realize that I feel love, but I don’t trust love.

I am a child who grew up too soon due to divorce. I love my parents deeply. I have forgiven them quite easily and years ago. As an adult, I see how hard it is to always make the best decisions. No one is capable of that kind of perfection. Not me. Not my parents. They did the best they could with the tools they had at the time. I will not fault them for their decisions. Through a sad and lonely separation and then final divorce, both parents loved their children with complete devotion. This I know to be truer than true.

When I forgave my parents I began loving completely. Trusting love with everything I had. Too much, to the point where when those whom I loved the most let me down, I crumbled. I haven’t fully recovered from the deepest of betrayals. I’m the kind of girl who’s either all in or all out. I don’t have much gray. I was all in and my trust was broken. I am beginning to see that I’ve been all out, in regards to true love, ever since my world changed in 2007. I’m done being a prisoner to distrust. I’m on a path towards trusting love.

 At the end of the day, my friends, in complete honesty, this is what I’m struggling with right now. 

*********************

“Who is she?”
“Well, Audrey, of course.”
“Yeah, but she’s different.”
Yes, this I know.”
“I feel trouble.”
“Yes.”
“Help her!”
“I am.”
“There’s so much pain.”
“I know, but she’s beginning to understand why.”
“Do you think she’ll ever truly love.”
“That’s a question I cannot answer.”
“But, she’s a child of God.”
“Right now, she has trouble believing me.”
“Do you think she feels alone?”
“I think she believes she’s the only one.”
“You mean, who questions true love?”
“Yes, and love in all forms.”
“I’m beginning to understand.”
“Don’t you agree? It is obvious that she doesn’t fully trust anyone.”
“I’m piecing it all together.”
“Yes, she’s all alone by her own accord. Yet, surrounded by everyone who loves her.”
“I see all her friends.”
“She feels our devotion.”
“What will we do?”
“We can do nothing. She has work to do.”
“So we wait?”
“Yes, right here. We’ll guard her and hold her til this is over.”
“She’ll return?”
“Yes, she’ll be back. I already feel her near.”

On Sad Days

The tears I cry
Contain your name
I miss you
No denying
In an effort to feel
I wipe my tears
You ignite me
Proving sickness
Lurking
Questioning
Why we’re alone
Magnifying
Worlds apart
Universe
You sicken me
You sense
My need
I witness
Creativity
All around
Yet offering
No, allowing
Darkness
Denying me
His smile
His mind
Alone
Searching comfort
In sweet bottled
Bottomless
Consequence
Understanding
Provides
An awakening
Creating hope
One day
Our beginning

Roads

There is an easier road to travel
I believe because I’ve lived
Done it
Easy road is seemingly perfect
No flaws
A pleasing path full of yes’ and pretties
Yellow brick roads void of nopes and insecurities
Yet remember
What they hide
You simply aren’t interested in seeing

Tough roads
A bit lonelier
Turning about pondering life’s meaning
I agree
You’ll second guess everything
From the color of your shoes
To truth and identity
Often questioning
In belief
Happy ever after endings
This route will make us stronger
Seeking advisory

Along the way
Roads given
Windows of opportunity
Take them they are yours
Listen to His words
Allow the guidance from above
He loves you
He said so that day on the cross Believe Him
Poof goes doubt
In comes grace
World providing a different view Completely different face
It works for many
Will for you
If you need me
I’ll walk beside you

Craving

Powerful moments
Lost in yesterday
Craving
Mountains shift
Clouds will part
Happiness
Creator of smiles
Poets connect
Your heart my first waking breath
Brought on through art
Words will find creation
Paint will find it’s muse
Photos brought to life by you
Conversation will find its fate
Spark creativity
Show your soul
Protection provided
Choose to dream
Waters may divide
Pay no matter
We’re alive

Boundless

A soft touch sent around the world
Fingers pursue you
Ears hear your deepest notes
A chance to read your words
Its been you for some time now
A blessing to breathe in the same air
Thank you for allowing me to be here
Hazel eyes pressing into the abyss
You aren’t allowed to watch this
Shy girls need some room to prepare
Sometimes words seem so unfair
Stir up feelings best left behind closed doors
Minds reveal awakenings
Writing is so personal
A poet’s mind forever boundless
She fears her muse may leave
Once her poet’s eye revealed
A plea sent around the world and back to you
Promise me you’ll consider
Before you leave me wondering, confused

Clarity

My day is ending
My night finally in view
Nothing else left to prove
Come to me, my muse

Show me clarity
Am I a fool, broken and misused

Tell me I’m comfortable
In this freckled skin
Assure me
I’m okay being where I’ve been

Powerful goals which push to be fulfilled
Desires to write with a loving eye; mind
My eyes warn me of shades of green
Am I sure I know what I’m doing

Faith

A battle inside of me that I wanted to share. I think a lot of us can identify with what I’ve written. It’s okay to argue with God, the one who loves us the most. I love that He pushes me to strive for more and to believe in myself. I’m thankful He’s always with me.

**************

Just show me what You want
Is it my truest of feeling upfront
I feel you shoving me into a corner
Suppose I fear judgement, ridicule and opposing statements
Who will protect me from my own aberration
I feel You don’t care

You push me to write where I’m not arranged
Yes, of course, I notice what You’re shepherding
You think I’m ready, I’m naysaying
The thoughts in my mind I can’t identify
Truly brought on by the Divine
I sense Your agenda

I agree, what I feel captivates and rings true
What You don’t tolerate is this girl’s admittance to being frightened, too
Lost in thoughts of what this journey will allow
God, please come with me
A Pandora’s box of emotions will be used
I know, You know, I’m bruised

Twas it yesterday when those actions caused ruin?
A battle which seemed fated changed me forever
Because of you, now I must heal the deepest of wounds!
In order to show that Your faith in us rings true
How dare You strengthen me in Your own time!
I understand You think I’m primed

I’m forced to play catch up
Your Holy presence proves Divine
To question You, not my intention
I feel weakened by Your intervention
Through this I know it is for the best
A life’s quest

New Love

*For my grandfather who is 80+ and living to date another day. He is unstoppable even after outliving two wonderful wives.*

Love sick poetry
They thought he’d never see the day
Oh, Puppy Love how could you do him this way
Isn’t he far past such a feeling
Imagine what he’s been dreaming

Drawing hearts, ribbons and bows
Maybe her name inside his prose
Giddy with laughter
Everyone shaking their heads

What will we do with him they all said
They have no idea what to think
Putting away the romance novels, this guy is in deep
It’s honest, it’s true
Love after 60 can happen even for you

Courage

This is my thinking place, I share it happily

I wish we could walk it once together

I have questions of life

Your answers provide my awakening

Your creative gift today, well, I’ll forever be thanking

Writing is a personal journey

Sharing it with others takes faith in God, for me

Remind me why we do what we do

Why writers rip open their minds

Toss contents on the table

Wear our hearts out on complete strangers

After today’s post I think I should share a photo I find comfort in remembering. The poem above I wrote after my friend, Michael, posted a beautiful photo. He wrote of encouraging thoughts along with it. His words helped then and they continue to help me today. Check out his photo and his blog, Harcourt 51, if you haven’t done so already. He is worth sharing with you guys. He creates wonderful opportunities to think and stretch your mind. His photos are spectacular, as well. For your words, Michael, once again I thank you.

Fear: My Old Friend

 On occasion I have this negative voice that enters my mind. He reminds me that I have the ability to dwell in fear. I just needed to let him know that I’m not afraid, even if I feel completely exposed. 

Fear: I saw you today, Courage. What you did, well, it was cute.

Courage: I got up there on that step. I wrote it. I read it!

Fear: It was amateur, at best.

Courage: I felt alive. Wasn’t I brilliant!?

Fear: I don’t know about that, Courage. I think I still found the perfect dark spot within you.

Courage: No you didn’t, Fear. I wasn’t weak. You witnessed strength.

Fear: Nope, I know what I saw. You did it, but then you ran and hid. I saw your eyes.

Courage: Shut up!

Fear: I’m just being honest. I thought you should know, it’ll be okay. Stick to what you know, friend.

Courage: I didn’t ask for your help. I thought you’d left, anyway.

Fear: Why would I leave? You’re just getting comfortable.

Courage: I think you’re scared of me, actually.

Fear: I am not, please, yeah right.

Courage: I think so. Just look at this, it seems, I can almost see right through you.

Fear: What? Where?

Courage: See – like this…my hand slides right through your image. I barely feel you.

Fear: Wait. Oh, that?

Courage: So you do see it happening? Good.

Fear: Psst! Your mistake, Courage. I’m still here. I allow myself different packaging.

Courage: How? Please explain…

Fear:  See, I would, but I needn’t bother. You still find me everywhere. Silly girl…

I chose to write it out, in spite of him, in an effort to keep the upper hand…

Daniel 10: 19-21. (Joshua 1: 6-7, 2 Corinthians 12:9)

Winter’s Gift – Part 3

“Well, honestly? You’re an Angel. You’re sitting here with me right now. I didn’t even know Angels could do that, Necia. Your presence shocks me, your light silences me and your…your, well I don’t know. I mean, since you’ve arrived I’m not the same,” he shared as openly as he could.

Joe noticed the dirt on his dry, cold and chapped hands. He reached into his right pocket and pulled out his goat skin gloves. He put them on, instantly comforted in knowing he had hidden his soiled hands.

“Joe, I didn’t come to you because I had to, I came to you in spite of my calling. Would you want to be defined by what you do for a living? Aren’t you more than that? I know you are, I’ve watched you. It isn’t just what I am, but it’s also who I am, I agree. I’m also, Necia. I’ve come to you as Necia, I didn’t come to you with my badge first. You understand, right?”

“I don’t even know what to say to that.”

“Try, I need to hear that you’ll try.”

“I can’t even look at you, Necia. How do I speak from such an unfamiliar place?” he asked as he focused on their tree.

“There’s time, I have time for your words, Joe.”

“Speaking isn’t what I know well, you see? I can’t say anyone has pushed back at me in such a way. I work, I maintain these grounds. I’m just a caretaker of sorts, this place is all I know. People confuse me, I haven’t taken the time to invest in this world. You must understand that speaking to you, in this way, is asking a lot of me.”

“Joe, you need to try and trust me. Please know that you are safe with me. Remember the first day…?” she offered to him as she followed his gaze to the tree.

He noticed how just looking at the tree softened her face. He wondered how it was even possible, she was made of such untroubled symmetry. The idea of her beauty going one step further seemed divinely generated.

Going back to their first encounter seemed much safer for Joe. He recalled what she had already told him, but there were still parts he couldn’t get past. In her narration of the first moment, she explained to him that she had seen him working. He had been cleaning stones like a father would tend to his child. Those were her words, not his. He was simply doing his job.

It took him back a few steps to learn that she had first seen him in early August, here at the cemetery and after work. He’d discovered a stone, something the ground had nearly over taken. A bush had been hiding the grave marker, but they’d lost the bush in the freeze last winter. It was August before he’d gotten around to digging it up.

The maps to the cemetery were long gone. Joe had memorized the newer graves and their markers long ago, it came easily to him. He’d figured that most of the really old stones were in obvious places, since there was no way of knowing how to locate each one. It had been some time since anyone had needed his services on that side. The space was left unattended to some degree. He did what he could, but he was only one man.

Grave Stone

He was clearing the rubbish away when he saw the corner piece of the stone peeking through the ground. He started pulling at the overgrowth of grass, which surrounded the quarry, and it revealed a stone.

The piece had engravings on it and his interest was sparked. Joe ran to his truck and grabbed his bag. There was a time when all Joe wanted out of life was to be an archeologist, the idea of uncovering lost treasures, bones and identification from long ago thrilled him. It was probably simple of him to get so excited over something so meager in comparison, pathetic really. After work, he often times found himself with his paper and lead. There was nothing better than being lost in a story he’d created, while being cautious of not abrading the limestone slab.

“You saw me at the Davis stone that evening,” he said watching her settle herself on to the tree trunk. “I wasn’t aware I was being watched and especially not by you.” Joe took his left glove off and slapped the side of his leg. He rubbed his hand down his worn out blue jeans. He allowed for a bit of friction between his hand and the jeans, unaware that this nervous tic of his was noticed by Necia.

“It was the first time I’d allowed you to notice me watching you.” she admitted.

“I don’t know what made me look up and over towards the brush. I’d heard a rustle in the leaves. I thought it was a deer looking for food. I was curious, I guess.”

“You were so busy. I enjoyed watching your face, as your thoughts had you transported somewhere else. I wanted to know where you were, and if by chance it was somewhere we could go together.” Necia admitted easily.

He was envious of her calm assurance when speaking to him. He couldn’t make his eyes meet hers. “Necia, you let me look at you. I couldn’t turn away. I worried that the slightest move would make you disappear.” Joe was well aware that she knew he’d be caught off guard, he didn’t need to remind her.

“I waited a few minutes, so you could relax in hopes that you’d remember me when I returned another day.”

“I may never forget that moment, Necia. When I saw you it was like seeing a ghost.” Joe mentioned while watching a feather being caressed by the wind, as it floated to the ground. He fought the urge to grab it, the sudden start and stop of bending down he hoped went unnoticed, as he tried to focus on her.

“I knew the first time would be the hardest to comprehend, so I came to you venerable, Joe.” Necia said as if understanding where his mind was then. She bent down and lightly picked up the feather and placed it into his left hand.

“I appreciate that. Resplendently venerable, I’d say,” he whispered remembering the sight of her wings. He was taken off guard by his hands, they were shaking. Joe looked up quickly just sure that she’d vanished.

(Winter’s Gift Parts One and Two)

Grave Stone (Photo credit: patrick.ward04)

Fiction Friday: Winter’s Gift – Part 2

The first part in this series can be found here. Winter’s Gift: She Rewarded His Anticipation 

*****

Necia reached her hand out to touch the light fluffy snow, the branches around them seemed to cradle the snowflakes as the winter wind blew around. Joe watched her move towards the tree he had found. She gazed at the tip of her finger as a single drop of snow raced down.

It was the longest finger he’d considered holding in ages. He placed another feather in his pocket, he silently zipped the opening as if to trap the treasures inside.

“It’s the perfect tree, Joe.” Necia offered as she turned around to face him.

“I wasn’t sure it would work at first, but after a closer look, I think it’s just as you described. I wanted you to see it first,” he replied while focusing on the pine tree. What he wanted to tell her, was that it was her approval he anticipated. He hadn’t been able to produce the reaction in her that he craved, he wanted to see her mind travel back in time. 

“I didn’t expect this so soon, I have to admit. I figured we had a few more weeks before we’d need this tree. It is the perfect one,” she admitted as her mind trailed off somewhere else. She reached up to touch more snow. “You know, for me, snow has always been the first gift of the season. Beautiful evidence, proving that the Christmas was upon us.”

Snowy pine tree branch

He was beginning to understand that it had been years since she’d seen it. He was suddenly envious of the snow and the emotions it composed inside Necia.

“I’ll take care of it then, if you believe it’s the right one,” he decided. It hadn’t occurred to him that she would agree so easily. Did she realize what the tree meant, more so what it meant that she was using words like we and need? He relaxed a bit in that moment. She had included him on a future event. Finally, as if for the first time, it made him appear as more than just someone merely existing.

Her attention towards him released a desire he’d thought was gone forever.

“Joe? Do you mind if we stay a little longer? Are you too cold to stay?” Necia asked politely.

“We can stay, I…I’ve got my jacket,” he stammered, showing his excitement, probably too quickly.

He watched her gracefully walk over to a fresh tree stump. It was the remainder of the tree he’d chopped down recently. She considered sitting down on it’s rather large trunk , which had fallen close by. He instantly felt regret. He should have finished this particular project the other day. It would have only been another hour’s worth of work, but he was anxious to get started on a side project.

Then again the unfinished work had provided a place for them to be together today. He was suddenly filled with ease over his procrastination. Looking at the trunk reminded him that he should have his axe looked at, mostly sharpened, as winter would only get tougher as the season progressed.

The muscles in his forearms twitched as he considered how he’d remember to get the axe serviced. He didn’t trust his retention with her around.

Joe never tired of watching her. She moved in such a way that he found himself obsessing over her. He welcomed the moments when she wasn’t aware of him. They finally allowed him to show his weakness for her.

“I’m clearing this spot off, if you don’t mind, Joe. I think the wind will break just behind us, if we sit here. We have an unfinished conversation I’d like to visit, if you feel up to it.” Necia proposed. Her hands wiped the icy snow away from the bark of the tree trunk.

Joe witnessed her wings flow with her as she completed the simple task of clearing a spot to sit. He observed her intently. How come she never seemed too cold or concerned for herself? It was shivery out here, but she wasn’t human, he reminded himself so rationalizing seemed like a lost cause. They had no history, yet he had a desire to shield her from the wintery conditions.

He couldn’t take his eyes off her. He wanted these unspoiled moments to continue, the feelings to stay. Necia had caught him off guard when she emerged last week, and he vowed to take advantage of what today could bring, if she came.

Joe exhaled, she had come.

Their first encounter suffered from awkwardness, as he was lost in such disbelief over Necia. He’ll never forget how she emerged through the trees. On foot, her wings spread out, each white feather just shorter than the other as they cascaded down her back, she appeared.

Snowy pine trees frame a view of blue shadows

Her feet lightly moving her along, while she made her way towards the area of the old cemetery he’d been working in. She stopped a safe distance from him and offered a shy smile.

Without eye contact, he took in as much of her in as he could without revealing the longing he’d instantly felt. She looked as though she’d caught who she was searching for, she seemed relieved.

He found himself transfixed on her glow as his voice fell through to his stomach. In that moment, Necia had taken his words right from him. She petrified him.

“Joe?” she nudged.

He flinched, instantly placing his hand on his pocket of feathers. His cheeks reacted quickly to hearing his name,”Yes, Necia, this will work fine. I’m sorry, I was thinking about, well you and our first meeting.”

“Yes, and what were you thinking about?” she challenged.

There she went again, his natural inclinations couldn’t handle the moments when she spoke so directly to him. He found himself working on finding a way to breathe. His mind was reeling over who she was and why she was here. Why did she move him so?

Who desires someone like her? It just didn’t add up right, in his mind. He fought his feelings, yet his body seemed to override his knowledge of Angels, and the job they dutifully held.

(Photo Credit: Pine Tree: Mike Rohde &  Photo Credit: Happy Sleepy)