Survivor

When did my confidence go to battle with my insecurities?
Why are they winning?
I know better.
I am better.
I will continue to thrive.
Go. It’s been done before,
I survived.
I would again.

Throwing a temper tantrum would never work.

Waiting patiently gets me nowhere.

Being my quiet self is far too dull.

All that is left is to use my voice, yet, the quiver I hear isn’t very convincing as I try.

Fearing judgment may keep me from the happiness I know I deserve.

Wanting to be a playground, but instead I’ve become too common.

Take what is yours, these words I hear constantly in my head, I used to believe they were meant for me to say to the one who truly wanted me.

Maybe it’s what I’m supposed to do.

Huh, it goes against who I believe I am, but being left alone is too.

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Torn

I
love
love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
its been all I can think about,
it’s all I knew to say,
it’s all my fault,
I’m to blame.
i could have just said,
i want to sleep with you.
can i climb in.
goodnight.
thank you, for seeing me.
i wish i could feel your touch.
tell me you’re pleased.
If I had known this is what you were prepared to hear…
I would have.
Because now, I’m just scared.

*once broken, surrendering love is never easy, but then sometimes thats all there is, an existence arrives and so we do.

Leaning Into Real

maybe writing this out will help me compartmentalize my thoughts
there are so many distractions as of late

The new year came in with swords drawn and a battle ensued
one I’m currently within

I’ve been rude to those around me when it was never my intention

maybe inside a daydream isn’t where I should reside, only making life worse

tangible moments, proof they exist, is where my heart currently lives

Faith begins and ends my day, serving makes sense inside my head
an inability to understand is fine, just accept me for who I am

all praise honor and glory be, yes to the Father,
and then it’s he.

He who is out there, slowly keeping pace
would begin and end my moments, but that’s only what I need.

no desire left to chase, fearful of ending back in a place where questioning motive and truth controls my each and every day.

does peace exist? are relationships worth creating…

me who’s father was gone too much, a mother who left all together
how do I believe this isn’t the pattern,
it’s happened, one after the other.

leaning into the belief, if love is meant to be

easing into a life alone, tending to sheep and children who are all too soon grown, where will I go?

Listening for the answers I know my God has planned, I pray I don’t mess this up
looking down at my empty hands.

knowing each and every piece given to me for care,
is one I’m made for and a joy to prepare.

Decisions 

When you’re heartbroken
All you want is to be healed,
Given a chance
To love again.
Better.

Or do you just
Fuckin’ forget it,
And let the negative 
Stain the paper
Forever.

***

My apologies for the curse word. The other choices I had failed to get my point across. 

Your strong letters of disappointment can be filed under the letter F. 🤓

Even a Redheaded Poetess allows her firey side to have its way from time to time. 

Compounded

Careful words

( ‘care’ ‘ful’ )

Needed, required

Thoughts of insignificance

( ‘in’ ‘significance’ )

Must return

Buried in

The end of what mattered

Fathomable

( ‘fathom’ ‘able’ )

Builds connection

Reasons to continue

A lifeline,

( ‘life’ ‘line’ )

Inwardly searching

Where is the passage

Pain

image

I watched her
the pain in her eyes
the grip she had on the handle
white knuckled
slowly departing
caving to her mind
yet, feeling her heart
fight right back
tears wiped
smudged across her cheek
watching through
a rainy mirrored day
as she slowly becomes me
incapable of allowing
what her soul needs

Complication

image

Complicare: fold together;
Com- ‘together’, plicare- ‘to fold’,
Solves the muck.
Life, you find yourself inside,
And moments we all define,
As complicated.

Darling,
Complicated,
I know.

Genuine desire,
Of the unknown,
You needn’t shy away.
Intricate dealings,
Birth torture, it seems,
But, admit it, you want to go.

Darling,
Complicated,
I know.

However, stop and believe,
Trust in the journey,
Watch folded do its part.
Fold your hands in prayer,
Or fold them into mine,
Simply, trust my heart, sublime.

Darling,
Complicated,
I know.

Care must be given,
Situations, require debate,
Reflection, with a higher power.
Peaceful nod, perfect timing,
Let Him determine fate,
Allow me, to calm your mind.

Darling,
Complicated,
I know.

Nothing is ever too hard,
Nor will it be easy,
But, fun, yes, it can be.
Steady the course,
Let destiny control,
Either way, life, still beautiful.

Darling,
Complicated,
I know.