Lacking The Sight of Me

I hear regret in his voice
the mistake I was for him,

my soul aches in monochrome,
but yellow lives in bursts like Spring
and a Pink Ladies leafless show
I’ve seen purple, as if born from the eyes of kings,
and verdant in twilight’s glow.

the blues of Poseidon’s seas
and red from a rose;
white clouds in pristine,
and brown where life grows.
who wouldn’t want a girl like me

***

Been thinking a lot the last few minutes on how we teach toddlers the correct way to be social humans. The act of placing them in time out until they understand the lesson. Requesting they stay there until they’ve been told they’re allowed to rejoin the group.

We do the same sort of training on puppies, asking them to sit and stay until the command is given to release and enjoy.

Over a year ago I fell in love again. I fell hard for him. A future with someone had all the components needed to be successful, I truly believed. My mind is a beautiful place to be when love is the theme.

The qualities I look for/drawn to are simple.

1. Honest & Trustworthy to a fault
2. Christian Man
3. Hardworking
4. Christian Leader
5. And loves the sight of me.

I chose to look past a few qualities he possessed which terrified me, because I saw so much raw potential. (Not because I feared for my safety.)

I knew I could be the one to show him women weren’t all the same. I looked forward to seeing him become his best self with me nearby. I wanted the job of helping him stand up. I adored the brokenness he stood amongst. I found the solid ground he also possessed as that of a real leader and something quite lovely.

I trust him completely. Its been a long time since I’ve had that kind of safety.

I am in love with him. Im uncertain if love is an option for him.

As it stands today I’ve been shown a place to stand. Feels like time out and maybe even told to sit.

I see myself as the perfect one for him. In the beginning, I honestly believed I held all the qualities a man of God would be drawn to while seeking a partner. I didn’t doubt my ability to please.

I suppose my confidence was the needle for that perverbal haystack.

My self assurance was so positive I failed to see his caution flags. I wasn’t measuring up to his standards. Not at all in the end.

I could go so far as to say I wasn’t even in the neighborhood, which is poetic because we live in different states.

I’m not perfect and I feel quite sure I never will be (No newsflash there, I suppose. He isn’t perfect either. Neither by a long shot.) so why does my spirit say I’m perfect for him?

Why does he continue to feel like home when he has put me by the wall to sit? Shouldn’t I just go? Wouldn’t that be for the best?

I can’t go yet.

No real direction from him. He’s taken all relationship components out of our communication, but I’m welcome to call as my time allows because he wants to be of service.

I’m left with an open door, but zero feeling on whether or not he wants me there at all. Maybe he does but no clear direction as to how or in what way.

I’m no longer spoken of in any life equation when we talk. He’s stopped trying to care for me or highlighting the idea of my being a part of his future. Maybe he’s guarding his heart.

I don’t feel myself in his world anymore. It’s as if he has left the door open so I could walk away.

Is this what he wants?

I’m failing to accept this.

I don’t want to give up on him, but long distance relationships are hard without raw communication.

Communication.

Something I fail at miserably in his eyes.

My downfall.

I fail all tests in that arena. I’m honest. I’m trustworthy. I’m a Christian woman. I love with my whole heart. Everyone is welcome and I love deeply.

However, it isn’t enough.

He doesn’t love the sight of me.

I do not possess great communication skills a quality he sees the most value in, which means I’m not perfect for him.

I’m broken. I’m difficult. I’m hard work.

I’m failing at my own #5.

Thanks for listening,
Audrey

(There’s a book I read many years ago called Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. A fictional story written around the Book of Hosea and God’s redeeming love for sinners.

I love this book. It has always been my favorite. I think mostly because of the Christian love story. One based on the gospel written for man and wife.

The man was able to see past who the woman was to help her become who she was meant to be while she became his biggest supporter. She wasn’t easy to love and he didn’t offer anything the simple way, yet the beauty of their ability to trust God’s vision for husband and wife made the story’s lessons a joy to learn. I adore how natural it feels for me.

I guess I need to reread this book. Maybe God is calling me back to this story. He’s teaching me something through my heartache.

I need to listen, because as it stands I still see myself as a perfect choice for a man one day. I know I have everything to offer.)
***

I hear regret in his voice
the mistake I was for him,

my soul aches in monochrome,
but yellow lives in bursts like Spring
and Pink Ladies leafless show.
I’ve seen purple, as if born from the eyes of kings,
and verdant in twilight’s glow.

the blues of Poseidon’s seas
and red from a rose;
white clouds in pristine,
and brown where life grows
who wouldn’t want a girl like me.

– Aud

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33 thoughts on “Lacking The Sight of Me

  1. Somehow I missed a few posts at the beginning of July, including this one. Today I finally got here – at last – and feel so bad I wasn’t here when you first posted this. What can I offer to comfort or support?

    1. Everything that is sent us is a lesson and a message. No one said they were all going to be easy or free of pain. Often it has something to do with letting go.

    2. A poem that I composed on July 16th.

    A BRAVE FACE

    We show them our best
    Knowing they will discover
    The rest on their own

    ~~~~~ ~ ~~~~~

    I have stood where you stand. Know that I am happy to stand beside you. If a hug will help here it is. ❀

    • A poem I composed on July 27th.

      ANOTHER ANOTHER

      Reaching out for …
      … no response
      Left in limbo
      Hung out to dry

      Fed on assumptions
      Clutching at straws
      Mighty thin gruel
      Sans nourishment

      The best? … Insufficient
      While not at all sure of
      Understanding the rules
      (A longstanding habit)

      A kindly silver lining
      When the smoke clears
      When the pain has dulled
      A poem lurking in there

    • Having you here with me means so much, Ben. So many lessons and I’m trying to allow my heart and mind to see all truths and discern. What I want may not be what is supposed to be. I have to be okay with that somehow or I cannot be the woman I need to be for those who need me. I have faith in my tomorrows. Living for today. Hugs.

      Thank you for sharing your words. Ironic how poignant they are in this moment.

    • I believe there is larger Plan and my words are not accidental, nor is my unwitting delay in putting them down here, Lie back in His mighty arms and relax. You will be given both comfort and sustenance through you trust and faith. A few months ago I was inspired to rewrite the Gravat”r “Profile” for Ben Naga as follows:

      The Spirit that graces me with its passing has no name and stems not from thoughts and words, though it gathers them up as it flows, but from feeling.

  2. First, let me apologize. As I often do, I binged your blog – reading your entries backwards. It’s easier for me to read 3 – 6 entries on one blog, and read 10 blogs a day this way, than to try to read about 100 blogs each day, one entry a day.
    Now I realize I completely misinterpreted your poem Uninhibited Reply. I saw hope and future while you were writing from despair.
    It feels so isolatingly lonely to be where you are, pining for a man you believe is perfect for you, who doesn’t return your affections nor your feelings or ideas of a future together. I don’t believe in perfect, not even your idea of perfect with flaws. Humans are not meant to be perfect, and even if we try, we fall short.
    Please do not find yourself lacking in being lovable. You are that, for certain. Please do not hold yourself responsible for his shortcomings. That’s on him. Please don’t wait, at least not for this man. You will waste so much time.
    Grab all of your own wonderful self and enjoy what is before you – all the opportunities to experience new adventures, to renew old friendships, to master the skills at which you already excel.
    This isn’t a place to stop. It’s a place to begin the new day, knowing there’s another new day to follow.
    Sending love to you, Dear friend.

  3. This is a great example in a sense. Your reply didn’t address the question put forth. Did he request you leave? For any relationship to thrive all involved must do more than listen, they must hear.

    Hope you are having a good day ma’am.

    • Love is based on friendship ma’am. Your greatest love will always be your best friend. Loving someone with whom you can’t be a friend is mighty hard to explain methinks. Try it….

    • I understand what you’re trying to say. My point was that it’s a different kind of love. Reconciling that is the challenge. There is love and friendship, and then there is Love with friendship. The Big L is a tough one to just put to the side so one can focus on friendship. One does not love each friend the same way. When I’m in love that friendship grows differently. It becomes richer and more devoted. In the end, as I’d said in my post awhile back, I did this to myself. I fell in love while he remained guarded. I did this to myself. (I already said that, didn’t I?!?) I also think our versions of friendship differ, so my feelings get hurt. We also know my “feelings” are irrelevant. Right?

  4. Seems wise to mention something not touched on so far….

    Have you asked him? Have you listened to his answer?

    This is mentioned for a reason. When helping couples I see one problem occur repeatedly and it is that at least one of them never listens to an answer and takes it in. The same conversation is had over and over yet they are always left with the answer they wanted to hear as their memory of what the other said.

    Hope this helps ma’am.

    • I’ve asked and I’ve listened. His wishes were expressed which is what lead us to this point. Imagine being the one begging at the feet of a man who sees right through you. Doesn’t sound like love being returned.
      C, we both know being away from him was not what she wanted what she heard was his desire to leave. The silence every day since is proof enough.
      I adore you. Always have. Always will. β™‘

  5. Miss A., I’ve heard it said that women choose men based on their “potential,” hoping to mold them into the men they envision. Men, on the other hand, choose women hoping they’ll never change. Seems to me, both are destined to come up short that way.

    No, there’s nothing wrong with you! There might not be anything wrong with him, either. It’s just that the two of you — together — are wrong. Right now. And nobody knows if, or whether, that will change.

    You didn’t ask for advice, but I care enough to share some thoughts. Walk away. If it’s “right,” you’ll find your way back to each other. If it’s not, you’ll find someone better suited for you. And take some time to heal, okay? Hearts can be delicate things, especially when they belong to artistic/creative types, and none of us here want to see you suffering! xx

  6. Please walk away Audrey , if he makes you think like this about yourself he is not worthy of you. I spent years trying, failing never bring good enough. It breaks you. Go you are better than he makes you feel. It’s not you it he who is not worthy, he is not worthy of you. πŸ™‚πŸ’œπŸ’œ

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