I Will Remain

I refuse to be
To be the girl who doesn’t
Who dosen’t show you
Show you what and who I am

Who I am, I adore
I adore what makes me, me
Me, me the woman who tries
Who tries to be everything

Be every thing, to everyone
To every one, sadly, I cannot
I cannot be all of perfection
Of perfection, unobtainable, so notice me

Notice me inspite of what I’m not
I’m not the lady I once thought
Once thought who’d always create
Always create the poetry I desire

I desire sharing my soul
My soul aches towards connection
Towards connection I find completeness
Find completeness within myself

Within myself there is growth
Is growth enough for me
For me, it must be
Must be the sun found rising

Found rising outside my window
My window, compass in the kitchen
The kitchen where I sense you
Sense you up against me

Against me and deeply breathing
Deeply breathing in my essence
My essense, an offer only for you
For you, I will remain.

Her Shadow

sat outside for a bit,
the evening
said good-bye,
a trying week
left behind.
I wasn’t alone
as the rain spat
gaining strength,
I met it
covering my face
go ahead – yours.
I succumbed
released my control again
my breath slowing, and
found I wasn’t alone.
She was with me,
taunting me with her ability
to pose, for him.

All The Feels Today

Loving this song’s message on EVERY level this morning.

Oh how I miss this space. ♡

“Mommying” in every direction as of late. Working on being intentional.

Still have this fantasy of a white or dark knight who musters up and says, “I’m picking up this side of the box. Let’s roll.”

I see so much potential in the best of places, yet I’m drawn to Him. I pray its known.

Until then I do what needs done. Normal. Everyday. Girl.

Yours.

Breathe

I recognize how important a view like this could be for those seeking.

Deep breath, reminding me of how little we really are comparably.

How creation is here for a purpose and is depended upon.

And instead of sitting in awe, over its splendor,

I morn.

I caught a glimpse of what my soul really needed, felt my head finally clear, rooted in my deepest beliefs and wanted to stay.

Why would God show me and then pull it away.

Defeated.

Too much still depends on me. I can’t give up.

Breathe the azure
Smell the verdant
Touch the pristine

Let go of this grief.

***
What I Would Have Shown You

An Update & New Series

I laugh at how easily I ignore my inner voice. I am such a brat. Not that negative voice telling me I’m not good enough (I dislike her very much.), but the one warning me. The consistant kicking in the pants telling me to pay attention.

I listen clearly when danger is near and she has helped me. All other areas of life are ignored until I finally get hit with what I’m choosing to over look.

Seems by that point it’s too late for me to ignore my direction, because it’s hard to avoid the obvious. This is when I get hurt. If only I would listen to her pleas.

My body knows, my eyes see and my heart recognizes all inconsistencies, so why not allow them to do their job.

My voice. Why do I ignore her?

As I reflect in my review, she’s been spot on and she’s saved me from a lot of hurt.

I just don’t want to believe negative exists. I easily get lost inside wishing for what I want to happen because I believe goodness prevails in any situation.

Silly, Audrey.

I can trust myself.

I need to trust my voice.

I adore Lauren’s new song. Listen for me. This is where my clarity was found.

I just left Colorado a few weeks ago. The Rockies looked just like the mountains in her video. I feel like this video is for me.

Audrey, love yourself.

Geez, how many times have I read this over the years.

I get it now, if I don’t call out what doesn’t make sense how do I know whether or not I’m being too hard on myself.

I love my voice.

I hope you find my new series enjoyable. I’ve not done a series of poetry posts connected to one another so intimately, so this is super fun for me. And incredibly important moving forward.

I’m excited.

Watch for:

What I Would Have Shown You

Have a wonderful weekend!

– Aud

Lacking The Sight of Me

I hear regret in his voice
the mistake I was for him,

my soul aches in monochrome,
but yellow lives in bursts like Spring
and a Pink Ladies leafless show
I’ve seen purple, as if born from the eyes of kings,
and verdant in twilight’s glow.

the blues of Poseidon’s seas
and red from a rose;
white clouds in pristine,
and brown where life grows.
who wouldn’t want a girl like me

***

Been thinking a lot the last few minutes on how we teach toddlers the correct way to be social humans. The act of placing them in time out until they understand the lesson. Requesting they stay there until they’ve been told they’re allowed to rejoin the group.

We do the same sort of training on puppies, asking them to sit and stay until the command is given to release and enjoy.

Over a year ago I fell in love again. I fell hard for him. A future with someone had all the components needed to be successful, I truly believed. My mind is a beautiful place to be when love is the theme.

The qualities I look for/drawn to are simple.

Continue reading

Deemed Useless- Hiabun

To be left here, alone with thoughts, is a risk submitted to, but then doubt creeps in around me and one ponders if there is strength enough.

Yet, it is true. We’re made to endure.

Who do I think I am? Why do I think I matter? When did I decide I was more important than another?

To see beyond myself in order to rest my mind onto what will probably occur, is torture, I think. Why would I force myself into a mess before it’s time? Am I looking to intercede, possibly control or even wish the reality of the situation away?

No. I can’t imagine a life without.

What I need feels right inside. Am I wrong?

To want with all one could muster, yet sense it may never be, confines me.

I sense myself becoming that guarded individual I know all too well. Disappointment teaches and somehow I need to figure out how to grow.

Again.

To be open to the plan waiting for me.

I willingly prepare for my days ahead, and begin listening to words I’ve felt over and over recently.

Put this dream away. There isn’t an answer.

marked dismissed

sojourner living inside

redundancy evident

Left Simply – With Beauty

He’s my muse,
Maybe he’s forgotten,
Unable to feel
My arms,
How I’ve wrapped them
So many times,
Squeezing tighter,
Within my mind.
He’s the attraction
I adore,
The lust upon my tongue,
Yet I cannot reach him.

Left.
Aching with want
Living amongst the borderline,
Of am I enough.
I yearn for his trust,
As he longs for my mind,
If I give it away –
Then what?
He’s mine – my wish,
Like a daisy chain around
My neck; a gift.
I’d wear him with pride,
If he’d ask.

Because of You

My desire to write poetry,
has been affected by your presence,
the same fevered passion exists
yet, its been reduced to your name
maybe even a letter in the end
my muse, this pandora’s box, the new beginning and my end is with you.

So come the rushing waters of what might one day be,
bring on the swirls of passionate winds,
stretch the legs of workers in the trenches of this world,
my love breathes in these,
i am because of you.