Pinnacle – Haibun

Rain was in the forecast all week for Saturday. Nothing would have kept us from our twenty mile day, unless our beloved rule enforcers said, “No, you’re not allowed today.”

The memorials were at the top of the week’s list. Armed with an umbrella, rain coat and waterproof clothing we left the hotel on foot like adventurers. Every measure was taken, so disappointment wouldn’t take lead, in a journey surrounded by opportunities to dread every step. Another day of adding images to everyone else’s travel stories. Damp and cold air caused affirming giggles as the first few blocks were defeated. Wet. Wet. Wet. 

Rain fell upon those who looked for family names. Vietnam heros one by one and rising as we walked along the site. Many familiar names were read, piecing a name with someone from back home. Heroes. At the pinnacle, the water on my face was indistinguishable between rain drops and tears. The gravity of our country’s loss felt upon my chest. Realizing the Larrys, Garys, and Kennys of mine could have easily been on this wall, yet they weren’t, but these men were…

Prepared to stay 

Believing in born ready

Tremendous loss here

The only story I can share of my grandfather, a man my mother never got to know because she was a child when he left for war, was in paperwork from years, an entire life really, of VA hospital stays. “He” continues to escape, traveling hundreds of miles, and writing letters to locate his children. Found again in Kansas searching for his young children. His war afflictions resulted in foster care for children after their mother abandoned them. War wounded, schizophrenic, possibly, yet found daily, while hospitalized, in a small closet writing detailed notes to General MacArthur. A full life given, yet no peace found.

Korean War Vet

Stolen By The Aftermath 

Grandfather Wallace

– Learning –  

a collection of photos and poems.

Prince Oscar

Eight years ago I packed up two children, our pug and a plant named Maxine. (a plant I received from friends in 1992 when my grandmother passed away) We moved from Texas  to Nebraska in the middle of a divorce. We had nothing. Nothing. Later, finding out even the car I was left to drive away with by my ex-husband no longer had insurance – unbeknownst to me until after we arrived. So when I say nothing, I mean it.
I thought I’d hit rock bottom.

We lived with my brother and his family for 5 months as we waited for a rental property to become available. Until the divorce was final – we had to rent. Sadly, this home we finally found didn’t allow dogs.
My heart broke. The kids’ hearts broke.

My mother, who lived three hours from us, took Prince Oscar the pug into her home. He brightened her world right up as ours darkened even further.

Grateful Oscar had my mom and my mom him. I continue to feel as though I let him down by giving him away and not fighting harder to find a place for him too. 

Today, Prince Oscar went to heaven.

I don’t know that I deserve to grieve.
Yet, I do.

I love you, Oscar. My Pug Prince.

2024

Nostalgia

I took a drive a couple of days ago. I was in the mood for nostalgia. Snow days had come up in about every conversation I’d had in town, and I got to thinking. I thought about growing up on Hickory and wanted a picture of days gone by. Not sure why Hickory Street popped into my thoughts, but maybe it was the 16 inches of snow we received last week and the “squall”  we’d experienced on Thursday. (Ya, think?!?)

Every child in the area had gone down this hill, which seemed bigger than it appears, if they were willing to hoof it from across the way.  The “way” being the last and newest neighborhood on the edge of town. The hill spanned for about half a city block. The use of city to help describe a distance leaves me amused.  Hickory was a gravel road. This hill, for all intents and purposes, was in the country.

A well traveled road it would seem to us at the time but short of the mailman, families up the road and man who lived further to the east it was a quiet route – not taken by many or at all on winter days.  This allowed for tunnels, igloos and ramps to be built on and for the hill. Often times we’d trade in wet gloves for socks out of the clean laundry basket mom left sitting on the deep freeze. She’d hollar at us to use the old bread bags. The ones collected all year to wrap around mittens. In an instant handmade winter gear became water proof, but boy did it make packing snow difficult and an even slower process.

The hill taught friends, my siblings and I a lot about team work. Our creativity and manpower steamed forward by the hour. Nothing kept us from returning to a group project after lunch if our mothers would allow it.

My mind’s eye sees the hill and the narrow walkway at the top by the barbed wire fence. We’d  created a walking path at the top in an effort to travel from one house to the other during non wintery months, and everyone knew it was there. It was handy.  Back and forth we’d go all day long changing the location of play. It was a lot like a highway and we had created it all on our own. This path kept us safely off the road. 

On snow days, we’d plop our sleds on to the path. It was there under the snow somewhere, and we would pile on with the nose headed south. Everyone gripping the friend’s legs behind them as a way to hold on we’dcount down 3 – 2 – 1 – .
And then down, we’d go.

Your Power

When days drag, here in the office alone and the optimism is low,

There’s this; your quick video of the open road.

My smile begins across the eyes, a sparkle creates a giggle, my mind senses your truth.

I’m not there but I feel the energy you often exude.

A tractor trailer rolls on down the road, spit causes the shine, and your power is felt by everyone as you drive along by.

Yet, Little Deuce Coupe, is the tune you’re singing, tapping your cowboy boot against the pedal: a musical pair unlike any other.

And I grin, because I’m proud of you, who you are, and wish I was riding along, Big Brother.

Surrendered

an ache within
for progress;
strengthening,
surrender something beautiful
surrender something sure.

a simple decree
less distress; a little more
happily ever after,
surrender something beautiful
surrender something sure.

apricot visions
release me;
wandering free the verdict –
but far from home,
surrender something beautiful
surrender something sure.

Mom

I can remember when becoming a mom consumed my every thought.
How to convience, plan and encourge a journey leading life in that direction.

Those first few months, I recognized within me a confidence, it was solid, made for it, indeed. Doubt didn’t stand a chance.
I never, not once, saw myself going it alone.

Being mom always included a dad.

Here I am, a mom. Content with how we’ve done. The children are a constant beside me. Never questioning the road. Still not comfortable parenting solo.

I always thought families deserved both.

Even if mom looks like this…

I think you’ll agree there’s an astonishing similarity.

Circa 2012

Sleepless

A quick update.

I’m here when I want be sleeping like the women I envy, even though I know desire gets me nowhere.

I envy her the quiets breaths her He would listen for, as He watched making sure bad dreams didn’t interrupt the peaceful place He’d prepared.

Suppose she offers him the same sanctuary. I hope so.

Anyway, just wanted y’all to know why I’m in and out of WordPress. My father begins a new treatment for a whole new set of distractions.

I can’t be with him like I want to be, because of the responsibilities I have for my own little family. Dad understands and has my middle and baby sisters with him this month. However, you guys know I am unsettled with the arrangement.

I have moments where I feel like my best isn’t enough.

When I fail at being human and not fighting for what I need.

What does obtaining get us?

Maybe as we are is best.

We understand this as we are space. It seems to work. It isn’t ideal, but our needs are met, if they weren’t we would change.

Or would we?

Fear is a real emotion. It isn’t intended for us, but we let it in. We grasp fear thinking we can somehow live together.

We can’t. Not truly.

Embracing love or accepting fear is the choice we’re given.

Love and fear don’t really work together.

He’s Lovely

I may not wholeheartedly agree with this man’s first two sentences or the last thought on this subject, but the meat in the middle is the woman I continue to see when I look in the mirror. The only woman I’ve ever wanted to be…

I’m sorry I’ve been quiet as of late. There hasn’t been much room in my head for poetry.

I’ve missed y’all so much.

~Aud