I ran today. I ran as far as these long legs would take me. Over hills, through busy streets and even through water, I ran. I still couldn’t hide my thoughts of you. Climbing the hills wasn’t easy.  Every mountain I’ve had to climb recently, for you, is to blame.

Energies spent keeping myself together to look pretty and talk honestly was time wasted on you. Each moment I felt like walking made me push through, because I still hear your words telling me I’ll never do. Never be good enough, yes, this may be true, but I will always choose to disagree.

When I returned from my journey a shower I craved. Not you, a shower, I know that disappoints your power, strong man. I tried to allow the hot water to ease my pains. Relax the muscles I’ve already gained by running from you. I scrubbed the smell of the energy I spent on you off my body, I found myself, focusing on my face.

I hate each freckle placed on my skin. They won’t come off no matter how much I scrap. I blame you. You didn’t see this flawed skin as beauty, only as a redheaded cutie. Oh yeah, my hair, your favorite part, you prefer it long this I know. So do I, but I cut it short, yes this was my way of controlling you.

Unfortunately, the act of cutting my hair short became a conquest for you. One you loved to defeat. I never liked how owning you felt, so I allowed my curls to grow long once again. Feeling relieved that I, finally, felt like me.  I regret not telling you that it was all for not.

When I dressed today it wasn’t for you. I’ll admit, recently it had been my motovation. Which set of concealment for under my clothes would I have wanted to reveal for you, if the opportunity found me. I chose the top to match the bottom, often black and mostly lace, never because I liked the feeling. Always for you, in hopes that you’re dreaming of me.

Not today, I dress for me I can’t imagine caring about what you need. This is for me, you know, what I chose to conceal my breasts in today. The fabric is soft and it soothes me.

I am a woman.

I choose what’s best for me.

I know you like these black boots,  but so do I. I’ve always worn them for me. Never for you, that’s the best part of my story. When you thought I was under your impression, silly boy, in truth wearing these boots made me feel free. I got my way. The leather is soft and I prefer it, so the jokes on you. I liked keeping it that way. Yes, same with my jeans. Damn, they look good on me.

Ha! I can sense your need to scream. Too bad you’re so far away. I’m sitting here pretty and confessing. I concur, the blue jeans sit well on me. I am a woman. You can’t decide for me, if I choose to be sexy then that’s all on me. I score the points, take the heat, you don’t receive any of the rewarding.

My desire to write this today should create pride inside of me. I sound so strong and proud of where you’ve left me. The problem is that it was I who left you. Not the other way around, yes, this will come as quite a shock.

I push everyone away. Silly boy. Stupid boy, I’m sorry. You can’t chain me in. Yet, you never really tried. I’m wild. I’ve been a pawn for love before. My pain owned me. I won’t ever go back. I spent my childhood locked inside craving love. What I learned there was that no one proved they were worth all of me.

Protect me, first, I must. No one has the power needed to break me. Giving of myself, well, weakness of the worst kind. A strong man willing to fight, he may not exist.

You think you can ride me? I’ll knock you down. I have perfect timing. Stay clear and walk to the side. You’ll never be inside this mind. Enjoy me when I’m on display. I know you crave my laughter and pleasing ways. Relish them when you can, because they never stay. I warned you. Eventually, you listened. Now you’re a pile of rubble. I blame myself. You’re a good man. I’m a beast. Run from me.

I ran today to out run you. I think it’s clear now. I run to run away from me, too.

I’m broken. And I love you.

Celebrate Women ~ We’re Complicated