A Morning With Audrey

Good morning, Flat Tire. You have no idea how much I dislike seeing you on a Monday. Tires like you have a way of stopping by at the most inopportune time, however, I thank you for leaving me a little of your air.

As punishment, I have driven on you to the gas station around the corner. Like some sort of sick joke, the machine that could fill you with air is wearing a fine little sign. Another delightful surprise appears on my face as I read, Out Of Order. Did you put that there?

Down the road we travel. I do hope my driving on your hurt boot is a painful experience, because I now feel like you deserve it. A lot. A new gas station appears and my hopes have been regained. No sign on this air thingamajig, so I introduce myself.

Pulling out my wallet and fumbling through my coin purse reminds me of the moment I used all my quarters. Who’s idea was it to purchase bubblegum for cute little children? Probably yours, Flat Tire. I now hate you.

Walking into the fuel station to a single woman in line looked hopeful, so I sighed. I shouldn’t have done that, you know. She’s buying mouthwash, a toothbrush, an energy drink and a Kit Kat candy bar. I figure she must have forgotten to pack an overnight bag when headed out last night, since this morning’s regret is written all over her face. Pretty dress, though. I hope he’s a nice guy, however, if he were maybe she could have used his toothbrush. I feel for her and try to be patient.

Young Lady cannot make up her mind, you see. She has decided to play the odds and buy a few scratch offs, maybe this is where she hits it big. Flat Tire, will you please help her decide which one she played last time? If only she could see the pictures, she insists. My tapping toe wants to help her find the right one, as she leans over the counter.

Hey! Remember, Young Lady, you’re in a dress and I’m in a bit of a hurry. How about we just throw caution to the wind and pick one. Any. One. Oh, good, it was the first one you looked at, well fancy that being the case. Yes, cash for those and a card for the others.

Denied twice, so far for the card, I suppose she gets that a lot. Let’s sit back and add up all the cash used on scratch offs. No, no time for it now. Not trying to judge, but we should talk. Third times a charm and she’s out the door.

Four quarters for me and you, Flat Tire, and I’m back outside. Those twenty minutes lasted forty-five. Your pressures gone from 10 to 7 in that amount of time. Stop punishing me. I could take you off and put on the spare, but this lady forgot to ask how to change you and it would take three times the time. Don’t tell my dad, and man you’re hungry.

Bent over and filling you up, has allowed a bit of a show for the gentlemen next door. I bet they have grass to mow, yet they haven’t moved on and are very sweet whistling for me. A catchy tune. A huge thank you to the man who offered to help. The sun isn’t even up and I’d prefer you kept your distance. Yes, your boots scared me just a smidge. Nice smile, Sir.

Flat Tire, I’ve filled you up, but now I don’t trust you. I have a feeling if I go to work you’ll just show up again and I’m over hanging out with you. I’ve decided to introduce you to Firestone and the bouncer they have out back. I’m confident he’ll shut you up, so smile and relax.

Two hour wait? I find out, then after an hour they cannot match a new tire to your other boots, so off we go on a hunt. Not sure who’s having the last laugh. Mondays, I’ve found, can be quite a bitch. *roar*


47 thoughts on “A Morning With Audrey

  1. At least it was only flat on the bottom, right, Aud? Sorry. Bad old joke there, but I loved the way you make chicken salad out of the situation, so what the hey.

    I hope somebody somewhere in town got a new boot on the Charger for you, Red. And FYI, your tale of air hoses and such — unavoidable show for the grass cutters handled with grace — has rekindled my worries about how my car, my dear wife Karen’s car, most cars unless you upgrade to the max-cost version, do not come with a spare tire. Nope. I think they gave me a fix-it spray can but I better check on that.

    I love it when you story-post, my friend. Thanks for sharing your sorry Monday morning with us.


    • Your jokes are always welcome, Zak. One must always consider chicken salad, none in the eye for me.

      The boot is fixed!! Problem is that I had a spare but no real idea how to change it, so I need to practice so I can handle the situation better next time. Yes, check your cars at home.

      Thank you, my dear. You’re welcome, always, happy to bring a smile to your sweet face.


  2. *laughing lots and lots* I do say: this could be a comedy sketch! *laughing more* Flat tires are such buggers. And this one had an attitude! Just goes to show you why buying bubblegum is a bad idea. Liked the roar at the end. And the fellow with the scary boots.


  3. It’s really good to see just how perfect your sense of humor really is. This post is wonderful. A perfectly worded humorously written display of a really rotten morning. Thanks for sharing… and I apologize for laughing while reading your unpleasant encounter.


  4. The Firestone guy might have been able to patch that bad-boy tire, but probably a longer wait would be involved. As a dad, I feel myself wanting to say “I showed you how to change a tire” without remembering that it was when you were 16 and driving a different car. I hope the rest of your week is better than this start.


    • Well, I waited over an hour for him to tell me he couldn’t patch the tire based on where the bolt is. Some business about it being on the seam and turning my tires would just make the patch come off. NTB said the same thing… Yes, he taught me far too long ago (15+ years) and it has been a long long time since I’ve had to change a tire. I used to be good at it and will teach myself how to change one on this car soon. Thanks. My week should only improve now. Have a great week yourself, Dan. πŸ™‚


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