Yeah, well I’m trying to blog. Blogging isn’t easy. I’ve spent the month wondering why I agreed to do it and wondering if any of my friends have found me. Of course they haven’t found me. Not one person knows I”m here, except my husband, who doesn’t have time to check on me and see if I’ve made any progress. Progress being, a second post.

Goodness, I guess it’s time to also admit that I’m afraid of my own shadow. Second, I’m scared of being told no by complete strangers who don’t know me from Eve. Third, I’m my own worst enemy and prefer to live in denial. Wow, talk about brutal honesty. I don’t know that by admitting these truths anything will change, but I promised myself. 

I guess my belief and love for Christ is questioned when I admit I’m afraid of my own shadow. Well, yeah, it kinda does because if I truly leaned on Him, I wouldn’t be afraid. It is a feeling of complete helplessness when you cannot imagine how much bravery it’ll take to try something that you fear you can fail rather easily. I see a goal. I want nothing more than the goal, but the fear of failure keeps me still. This is something I need to work on and push myself through. I suppose a counselor could help me, but again that is terrifying.

I have only wanted to write stories. ONLY. EVER. The only ability I honestly think I have is writing. I have to keep myself from daydreaming about a story, a character or potential scenario. I love make-believe and thrive on people’s personal stories. Which is why, when any of us are together, I hang on every word you say. I love your story. I don’t talk well, I listen well. My head spins with ideas. I know they’re good too. I’m cocky like that. Do I take those stories and send them off to someone I don’t know, nope. I don’t want to be told no or that these stories aren’t any good. AND WHY NOT? Who the heck are they? I just need to get over my fear of the unknown and take a leap of faith. To try and see…

Imagine how lonely it must be to have not admitted this to anyone, ever. I must say, I am not my own best friend, if anything I’m my own worst enemy. I can talk myself out of this post in five words or less. You. Don’t. Have. It. I can convince myself of just about anything. I have allowed myself to stay frozen in terror. I have a fear that if someone knows what I’m capable of then they will push me harder. Then again, they may think I’m wasting my time and push me to dig deeper into figuring out what it is I’ve been put here to do. I can achieve doing many jobs, mother, wife and teacher but why can’t I allow myself one more title, Published Author. I suppose it’s the common thread of people seeing my soul, then forming an opinion and me not being able to accept it. Many of you can shake off the opinions of others and I can see that this is probably my biggest obstacle. I have to let it go.

Fear is a terrible state. I want to move past the fear and in to a world of optimism. I have goals, desires and dreams. Goal one is to move past the worry and jump in.

The basis of optimism is sheer terror. -Oscar Wilde

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