Conquering wasn’t the plan.
as plain as it sounds,
I wanted to belong
be along side,
your missing link
searched for
found
and shown
where I was needed.
Sustainable, desired
an intricate detail,
in view
precious,
in the forever story.
One shouldn’t go
where one isn’t
planned for,
intended
or thought of
***
What I Would Have Shown You
sit with me
in awe
glorious vision
the hand of God
the splendor of twilight
hurry is slowing down before us.
*What I Would Have Shown You
my attraction to hard, born through a lost memory,
existed,
created who I am.
an unusual warmth from the simplest of minerals I’ve grown accustomed to, need
and cannot explain.
I greet them, inspect
place them in my hand
and slowly they enter,
my pocket. Mine. My anchor.
each time I revisit the Rockies
the desire arouses
matures, alters in strength,
becomes habitual.
these rocks, their immensity
I want to claim as my own,
every year unwilling to ask
I leave, unbecoming.
*What I Would Have Shown You
inspiration doesn’t require
explaination,
when sat upon our souls
we transform. Recognized.
guidance welcome
acceptance voluntary
but, we strive to belong
somewhere or to someone
and in wanting we lose foundation. Consumed.
inspiration lost
desperation born
recognizing ourselves
and our vision
becomes impossible,
leaving the impetus expired.
***
An update and explaination for my words in this What I Would Have Shown You series can be found here: https://oldestdaughterredheadedsister.com/2019/08/10/an-update-new-series/
I hope you enjoy my journey. Your grace and patience while I sat growing has overwhelmed me.
Thank you for reading.
I laugh at how easily I ignore my inner voice. I am such a brat. Not that negative voice telling me I’m not good enough (I dislike her very much.), but the one warning me. The consistant kicking in the pants telling me to pay attention.
I listen clearly when danger is near and she has helped me. All other areas of life are ignored until I finally get hit with what I’m choosing to over look.
Seems by that point it’s too late for me to ignore my direction, because it’s hard to avoid the obvious. This is when I get hurt. If only I would listen to her pleas.
My body knows, my eyes see and my heart recognizes all inconsistencies, so why not allow them to do their job.
My voice. Why do I ignore her?
As I reflect in my review, she’s been spot on and she’s saved me from a lot of hurt.
I just don’t want to believe negative exists. I easily get lost inside wishing for what I want to happen because I believe goodness prevails in any situation.
Silly, Audrey.
I can trust myself.
I need to trust my voice.
I adore Lauren’s new song. Listen for me. This is where my clarity was found.
I just left Colorado a few weeks ago. The Rockies looked just like the mountains in her video. I feel like this video is for me.
Audrey, love yourself.
Geez, how many times have I read this over the years.
I get it now, if I don’t call out what doesn’t make sense how do I know whether or not I’m being too hard on myself.
I love my voice.
I hope you find my new series enjoyable. I’ve not done a series of poetry posts connected to one another so intimately, so this is super fun for me. And incredibly important moving forward.
I’m excited.
Watch for:
What I Would Have Shown You
Have a wonderful weekend!
– Aud
essence everywhere
sliding, slowly, before me
found beauty, lifeless
and myself sat searching.
water breaks past roots, stones and debris
flows towards my lense; healing.
Chortles echo in the distance,
oh, one day love will be,
Verdant , my keeper – Forest King
show me where life will lead,
tears dampen this face, and my page,
Colorado heal me,
God, show me grace.
I
I am
I’m just
I’m just sorry
I’m just so sorry
I’m just so
I’m just
I am
I
***
I’m sorry my words have been so dim as of late – for a long time now really. They’re lacking the beauty and happiness I swore I’d share when this site begin six years ago. There was sadness then and I wanted joy to survive the pain I felt, so I came here to teach myself to recieve happiness.
I’m going to do my best to share my light and the acceptance of myself again – the joy I know exists inside my heart. There is a little girl inside of me hurting something terrible. I owe it to her to show her beauty again, so I must try.
Not sure if it’ll be short stories as it was in the beginning (she likes those) or poems & photography, which aren’t perfect or winning any awards, but reflects what I see and feel. Bringing me much closer to love.
100 thank yous to those who still linger in my words. You are appreciated.
Hope to see you around,
Aud
she was given too much lead
the excess rope
(she dances around,
tries to find comfort in,
as she attempts what is most terrifying,)
eventually will strangle her
just watch.
when I wrote to him
He wasn’t a stranger,
many would have assumed otherwise
’twas as if I’d known him
all my life.
no ideas of where he’d been
or what he looked like
just a simple understanding
he was broken, working
and incredibly wise.
so much of what felt like home
was his on the daily, but
consequently
still pictures of my childhood, were opened up by him and shown
to other people I
I didn’t know.
written by a man who knew me already
yet barely was the reality,
if at all actually,
oh, how it resonated with me so.
it being his voice, I hadn’t heard,
but my mind understood
my heart longed to be near,
these hands feared, for the touch
of his skin would be too much,
mine eyes surely would tease how
not a man such as him,
could ever understand a girl like me.
yet he is within me,
upon a heartbeat I no longer recognize.
conspicuous am I about
these cries of longing
living on shaking fingertips
of a poetess,
who believes she’s found a way
to feel complete,
but who would agree.
I hear regret in his voice
the mistake I was for him,
my soul aches in monochrome,
but yellow lives in bursts like Spring
and a Pink Ladies leafless show
I’ve seen purple, as if born from the eyes of kings,
and verdant in twilight’s glow.
the blues of Poseidon’s seas
and red from a rose;
white clouds in pristine,
and brown where life grows.
who wouldn’t want a girl like me
***
Been thinking a lot the last few minutes on how we teach toddlers the correct way to be social humans. The act of placing them in time out until they understand the lesson. Requesting they stay there until they’ve been told they’re allowed to rejoin the group.
We do the same sort of training on puppies, asking them to sit and stay until the command is given to release and enjoy.
Over a year ago I fell in love again. I fell hard for him. A future with someone had all the components needed to be successful, I truly believed. My mind is a beautiful place to be when love is the theme.
The qualities I look for/drawn to are simple.
summer view for sale
passing through nowadays
golden hues melting
You reside on protective winds,
Waves she won’t honestly understand; and been denied.
Bringing peace to bruised souls deemed worth saving.
Left early to her own devices,
She questions helpful hands
Prefers avoiding disappointment, yet failed.
Forced to believe she’s meant to be alone,
Soul searching required, and left to wonder
Why life is the way it is.
Every single day
Is a struggle
I cannot
Explain
I’ll need him
When I wake from this nightmare
I’ve found myself in a state of reflection, yet again. Yes. I know. Do I ever move forward? We’ll see.
Usually.
He’s my muse,
Maybe he’s forgotten,
Unable to feel
My arms,
How I’ve wrapped them
So many times,
Squeezing tighter,
Within my mind.
He’s the attraction
I adore,
The lust upon my tongue,
Yet I cannot reach him.
Left.
Aching with want
Living amongst the borderline,
Of am I enough.
I yearn for his trust,
As he longs for my mind,
If I give it away –
Then what?
He’s mine – my wish,
Like a daisy chain around
My neck; a gift.
I’d wear him with pride,
If he’d ask.
I’m in love with being in love.
There’s nothing I have visioned for myself that excites me more.
I hear laughter
Eye squints as their sparkle escapes
I feel that upon my face.
Silly grins
Dimples no longer hidden within
The true marking of contentment
And its offer of grace.
The best of friends welcoming
Challenges – happy endings -frustrations.
Holding hands, connecting spirits
Building a firm foundation.
Take me there, widen the span of
Love’s true existence
Birth the eve of beginnings
And wrap me in the arms of the one
Who needs me.
A smile, the product of overwhelming acceptance.
Crazy how writing a sentence can be the cause of tears.
Is wanting such a simple human response proof of a wandering spirit in search of connection?
A place to belong,
Echoes inside of me,
awakens at dawn.
Genuine acknowledgment in a situation played out before ours eyes,
should not be controlled.
Why deny the person across from you the gift of worth?
My smile is yours.
She shines among them,
strongest of petals, feared.
Proud of who she is,
beauty of her spirit, revealed. Confidence will outshine,
Those who needed to see,
her fail.
