Sleepless

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A quick update.

I’m here when I want be sleeping like the women I envy, even though I know desire gets me nowhere.

I envy her the quiets breaths her He would listen for, as He watched making sure bad dreams didn’t interrupt the peaceful place He’d prepared.

Suppose she offers him the same sanctuary. I hope so.

Anyway, just wanted y’all to know why I’m in and out of WordPress. My father begins a new treatment for a whole new set of distractions.

I can’t be with him like I want to be, because of the responsibilities I have for my own little family. Dad understands and has my middle and baby sisters with him this month. However, you guys know I am unsettled with the arrangement.

I have moments where I feel like my best isn’t enough.

When I fail at being human and not fighting for what I need.

What does obtaining get us?

Maybe as we are is best.

We understand this as we are space. It seems to work. It isn’t ideal, but our needs are met, if they weren’t we would change.

Or would we?

Fear is a real emotion. It isn’t intended for us, but we let it in. We grasp fear thinking we can somehow live together.

We can’t. Not truly.

Embracing love or accepting fear is the choice we’re given.

Love and fear don’t really work together.

48 thoughts on “Sleepless”

  1. I’m sorry your dad and your family.. and you… have to go through this. I lost Wil a week ago Sunday, but I felt your kindness even then. I just wanted to say… I had the feeling, often, that my best wasn’t good enough. I knew nothing would really help, but I couldn’t help myself from trying to save her, and that exposed every last grain of inadequacy and fear I had. I knew there wasn’t any hope in her case, but something still compelled me to try. Most painful days of my life. I also felt like a failure at times.

    I don’t know what’s going to happen with your dad, and I hope he’ll recover, just like Jimmy Carter did. The new DNA based treatments are amazing, and they’re finding new matches and molecules every day. So much depends on other things, and it’s the ambiguity and uncertainty that grinds away the most, doesn’t it?

    Your dad is right in the meantime, though; you need to take care of his grandchildren, because I’m sure he cares more about them and you than he does himself. He knows, no matter what, his days are much shorter than theirs. But please don’t blame yourself for not being there with him, or for feeling you should do more. If you can, you will. But you’re doing priority things, so the most important stuff is taken care of first. It sucks, but it’s practical. Don’t take on burdens that are not yours. Feelings are there to be accepted and held close, while whatever is going to happen anyway follows it’s own mysterious path.

    And I’m holding you tight, too, just as you did for me.

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    • Oh, Hemm. Thank you for stopping by here and giving me comfort. I’m terribly sorry for your loss. My heart hurts for you. Wil knows how loved she is and will continue to be you and your children. I pray you find comfort in believing so.

      Dad, is doing so-so. He has a whole new cancer, which I can’t go into without too much explanation. Please know I am very thankful for your love. Take care of you… ♡

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  2. Life has a way of deflating us, Audrey, but I can tell you’re strong. I’m sorry for what your dad and you are going through, but I can offer hugs and prayers and hope for brighter days ahead. And you’re right, we can’t live with fear, not contentedly, anyway – which is what I’ve been struggling with. Big hugs to you…❤🌻

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  7. Standing with you in spirit, Audrey. I know how hard it is to want to be there for your parents but separated by time, distance and obligations. Rest assured I’m sure he thinks of you fondly and the most important thing is that your love reaches him anyway.

    ❤

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    • The best part of my father is his ability to understand his kids’ schedules. There’s a huge part of me that wants to make sure he has what he needs. Oldest daughter translates to slightly bossy. Stubborn cowboys raise stubborn daughters. Turns out they love us for it. 🙂
      Thank you for sitting with me, Eric. Kind of you.

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  8. Love and fear don’t play nicely together, Poetess, because Perfect Love casts out fear! Prayers for your dad (mine fought cancer, too, but it was too far gone for his full recovery). I’m sorry you’re all having to go through this. It isn’t fun. Or easy. Just be by his side whenever you can and cover him with prayer when you can’t. I’m sure he understands!

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  9. Love and fear don’t go together but they are often found close to each other. Having what we love, we worry about not having it. Expressing our love, we worry that we arnen’t able to get that right.Lead with your love, Audrey, that will keep the fear in check.

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  12. Your best is so damn good, Aud. Your dad knows that. Your sibs will do their best as well. Life’s hard parts sharpen us to better cut to the quick when focus and a new reality beckon, Your friends are here,

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  13. Hey, Oh Queen. Life is always full of questions and trials.
    I know the challenges of looking after ageing parents. I have seen two in-laws, and one parent die, and am looking after the last – my mum.

    Now, what I realised in this journey, is that you do what you can. you do with your heart. You accept the fact that you have to look after them with grace. It is a time for giving back. They raised us. Now you give back to them.

    Your dad will understand that you can’t be with him all the time. As long as you are completely with him when you are with him, it is enough. When you are with him, radiate mindfulness, calm, care and love. That is all.

    All will be good

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  15. Dear Audrey, I understand what you’re going through – I am still coming to terms with all that has surrounded my mom. My life remains unsettled and parts always will be so. Please know that whatever you want to do is what you need to do. Your father knows you are by his side in heart and soul and that’s the most important and best thing you can do for him. Prayers travel through the universe and alight where they are needed. I ask that God give you the strength to accept the days past, to embrace the moment upon which you stand, and to honor those still ahead of you.

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  16. Your best will always be good enough. I know when I cared for Carole over those 30 years, I had so many doubts and fears that I wasn’t doing enough, I should’ve done more, but in the end, it was everybody’s joint love for me and Carole that got me through all the tough times, especially the last 5 to 10 years, and I learnt to share my responsibilities, and I gave my heart and trust to my helpers, family and friends,.. I developed a sharing and caring soul, and started feeling the warmth of all those around us. I saw the value of the collective light. And now they are all dear to my heart and we’re all very close to each, now 6 years on, and we bask in the love we all shared for our Carole. She’s now the source of our togetherness, our Celestial Star 🌟

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