Layered Confessions

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Forcing myself to sit and listen to the layers within me.

Sorting through the wishing and the want, the need and pleading so that I might see truth.

I’ve never had much use for patience, yet I realize I must endure it’s process, if I’m to make you proud and find myself sitting near you.

There’s a stickiness after the honey is put back into the cubbard, that reminds me to wash my fingers, or make the choice to lick the stick away.

Maybe I’ve forgotten how to play.

While picking up at the end of the day, there’s a continuous stream of words I hear, “If you don’t then who will,” and so I bend at the waist and continue.

Beautiful blankets to fold, which keep us warm. Sleepy time tea at half past 12 leaves an empty cup beside me.

All require tending.

A flood of memories resume their normal station within my head each night, as the quiet takes over. I place yet another from my day beside them in hopes of room for one more.

Tears escape the wells in my eyes, as I wait for confirmation I was seen today.

Does anyone else feel this way…

I am my best friend, and my worst of enemies, and probably should be, but I’m tired of myself.

Now even I want to leave me.

Sharing my moments were intended for you. My heart steadfast in convincing. I want to believe.

How can it be love, in the end, I’m feeling.

Was I put here to take care of those near me? How much strength do I have? How much sadness can I hear? 

A season of sorrows pulls me closer – Can I endure?

Must I without you? Knowing full well I have Him and He should be enough to sustain me.

And do you know you sound like Him in my head now and I may never be able to live without you?

Confessions

And then my littlest voice says, “Stupid.”

My eyes look to the ground, my lip turns slightly to the side, I pack myself away and force that little voice back inside.

Enough for one day.

47 thoughts on “Layered Confessions”

  3. “As a witch, Tiffany possesses First Sight, the ability to see ‘what is really there’ (as opposed to second sight, which shows people what they think ought to be there). She also possesses Second Thoughts, which are defined as ‘the thoughts you think about the way you think’. Whilst other witches are said to have this trait as well, Tiffany also recognizes some of her thoughts as Third Thoughts (the thoughts you think about the way you think about the way you think), and Fourth Thoughts (the thoughts you think about the way you think about the way you think about the way you think). All these thoughts sometimes cause Tiffany to walk into door frames.”
    – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tiffany_Aching
    If you will take the time to read the whole article on Wikipedia I think you will know why I suggest it, beyond the First and Second Sight, Second, Third and Fourth Thought conceit. Despite the spoilers I thoroughly recommend you read the five Tiffany books. I finished The Shepherd’s Crown last night which made me both laugh and cry (though not simultaneously 😉 ) and also stop quite a few times in awe and admiration. The best book I’ve read for some time.

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  4. Oh, my sensitive friend. Turn off those critical voices and their destructive advice. Listen to the beauty within, take courage from the struggles you’ve already survived. And give thanks that He is perfect in every way … and His timing is, too!

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  8. Oh, Audrey, you cut yourself open in this poignant poem. This one is up there with the very best of anyone’s poetry. Nuanced and evocative, you take me down many uncertain paths and deliver me at the edge. Yes, enough for one day, also enough to ponder for a lifetime.

    I promise that one day the man deserving you will be at your side – not this man, but another, and you’ll wonder how you ever doubted. Stay strong, dear friend.

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  9. Those little voices can bedevil. One minute you see wisdom in their warning and the next you wish they had a mute button. Sort of like kids or a barking dog.

    It is interesting to begin to see from whence the gentle wisdom and way of older folks came from.

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