Today would have been my 19th wedding anniversary. Next month marks a year since the divorce was final.
All that keeps running through my mind is how big the lawyer’s office was, as I sat alone on one side of the conference table, while he and his lawyer sat on the other. I stared out the windows and silently begged to be told to jump. I was alone in there and naive enough to believe I wasn’t on my own. Still wanting to trust.
Why wouldn’t I reflect on our wedding day? I guess it’s because I don’t want to admit the truth to myself. I knew then he wasn’t built to handle me, but I expected him to be, so it wasn’t his fault he failed.
Always tough enough
Never really prepared
Protection required
***
Takes two to tango, And if one trips, it’s because the other didn’t catch. Sorry this is a sad time, Aud.
Love,
D.
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Thank you, D. Being designated catcher destroys the knees, but I’m still not sorry I signed up for the job. Love ya.
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It is too hard an endeavor. I believe failure is endemic. All marriages fail in ways large and small. Death do us part is the ultimate failure-we die. We can’t outlive each other, we will break each others hearts if we stay together. What you’re admitting is your humanity. It’s OK to be human.
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Thank you, Reverend, can we now discuss my inability to allow myself to be mortal? Your wisdom is welcome. So good to see you. 🙂
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Mortality is the easy part. Mors ultima linea rerum est.
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Quite right, you know. Replying in Latin will take me a bit.
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You know dead languages are my thing.
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I do. We could have great conversations, but throw in some living languages now and then so I can keep up. 🤓
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I’ve sat alone in that room twice…I agree, its a horrible place to be. I know the darkness will pass however, I know it from experience, even if it takes longer than you want it to. YOU are strong, beautiful of mind heart and spirit, and filled with awareness. You will gain strength from this that will prepare you for the True One. I have faith in You my friend. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hug}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
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Thank you for your kind words, Cynthia. Saddens me to know you’ve been here, too. Thanks for explaining the light that follows the transition. I can only hope to be half of what you see in me. Thanks.. xxxx
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You already Are 😉
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Aww
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One day it’ll pass without you even realizing.
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Incredibly haunting, Jay. Grateful for your support, Friend. xx
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knowing that darkness
& the ever present
light available
with each calm
conscious breath 🙂
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Your reminder
With each breathe
Calms
Grateful thoughts
Peace within
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Been down the divorce road myself, never any fun and you have that feeling weird thing going on afterwards for a while. But you are an amazing person and an awesome friend and I covet every minute of that and it’s brilliant! His loss and one day he’ll come to regret it! XOXO
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We both recognize what we lost in each other with the divorce. Somethings are just not easy to move past. I appreciate you lifting me up, Duke. You’re very sweet. Hugs.
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I completely understand that! You have an endless Hug supply form me : ) XO
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Thank you 🙂
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Powerful stuff. I had the same feeling sitting in A San Franciso Lawer’s suite. The view was spectacular, and it was a lofty perch. My ex didn’t show up, and it was just her lawyer’s assistant and I doing the signing. Sad end.
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If I had to share this sort of experience with anyone, of course it would be you, John. You are a wealth of comfort in my week. Thank you for sitting with me on this one. The ending is sad. Numbing.
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I did manage to take a cup of coffee in trade for one half of everything I owned and think for a few minutes on the good times. The divorce was not my idea and my heart was broken.
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The divorce was my idea and I was heartbroken, as well, I left with the ability to finish raising our kids..all I wanted. I stayed 9 years longer than most women could have and did my best to build on a new reality. When nothing changes, it’s time to go.
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Exactly. Good for you.
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♡
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🙂
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Love and hugs to you my friend❤️Don’t have regrets, as we never know what life will bring us. You have two beautiful children, your family and friends who love you dearly😊
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I miss you. Thanks for such kind words today. Love you, Girl. ♡
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A very sad reflection in your post. I’ve found that failure is rarely due to one person, but shared. However, I’ve also found that attaching blame doesn’t really help. AmyRose said it well that growth can come out of pain. I wish you warmth as you reflect.
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Oh Gus! I’ve missed you. Thank you for saying hello. Yes, shared, recognized and accepted I think. The growth through this has been good, hard and humbling, but good. So wonderful to see you here. It’s been too long, friend. Much love to you and yours. xx
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It has been too long. At some point, I’ll duck out again to devote more time to work, but it’s good to be back for a bit.
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I’m struggling to keep a schedule, which we both know is what blogging is all about, but life happens. Do what you can and release your stress as you see fit.
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Audrey, it’s good to admit your failure but this isn’t complete until he admits his. And yes, it was also his fault. People are supposed to grow throughout their lives. The end of a marriage causes grief and you’ve been mourning your lost dreams. But would you go back to the beginning and never have that marriage – and never have your children? I wish you love and comfort with the knowledge that you have much to look forward to even if you can’t see the brightness of your future – yet.
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The failures have been discussed and accepted on both sides. I don’t regret, as there were many happy and lovely years. Our children are blessed and I’d be lost without them. The future is something I crave. I’m ready. Thank you for sitting near, Shari. Love you. xx
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Groan…
Isn’t it an odd feeling to celebrate alone? Akin to remembering the birthday of one who has passed. I thought back on 24 years earlier this month. I prefer to think of it as 24 years of upholding my promise to God and yet darkness is still lurks. This too shall pass I know.
Don’t feel odd or alone. Slowly move forth.
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Sigh…
If I could have hid under a blanket yesterday I would have, but instead I put in a full days work as a woman and mom. I spent so much time upholding my promise and chasing it at the same time.
Thanks for the advice, C.
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I’m sorry ma’am.
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I’m not. There’s always a teachable moment in there somewhere. Someone told me that once. Behooves me to listen to him.
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I’m sure even he has moments of doubt ma’am. The question is if he finds a positive way out.
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I never heard of a Haibun before, so thanks for educating me, Audrey. I’m sorry you, too, had to go through this. I don’t guess the “going-through” part is ever easy. Fortunately, the human heart can bounce back, learn from its experiences, and return to a malleable state where it can once again embrace love! I’ll say a prayer for you. Just remember — while it takes two to tango, sometimes the right partner can make all the difference in whether you actually enjoy the dance!
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Debbie, I broke one of the rules in writing a Haibun by using “I”, but there are exceptions. I often write them, as it sets a nice mood for further poetry.
This human heart is excited for the future. I’m okay. Thank you for your prayers. Grateful for you, my friend. xx
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I’ll keep a good thought for you today, Audrey.
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Grateful for the support, Dan.
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Love and hugs for you today Audrey!! ❤
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Hey, West. Thanks for the love. ♡
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Audrey, some of our greatest growth comes from out of our deepest and darkest pain. Much Love to you on this day!!! ❤
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Thank you for stopping in, Amy. Your wisdom is appreciated and welcome. xx
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