Sat in on my first poetry reading today.
Since college, that is.
Of course, I sat in the back.
Watching.
Learning.
Scared to death for all Poets.
Only fifteen of them.
The African American was phenomenal.
His deep voice calling me in.
As if saying, Audrey, join them.
Open mic, yes, it was time.
Nerves shot, don’t call for mine.
No one forced.
Each one took a turn.
Audrey clapped.
Audrey laughed.
Audrey shed her tears.
Silently.
Show them who you are, darling.
I whispered to myself.
My voice already shaking.
Lack of confidence, maybe.
But I’ll do anything in full view.
Play a part.
Smile my smile.
Sing a song.
Laugh til it drives you wild.
Share myself?
My poetry?
My soul?
Who I am?
Exactly.
I just couldn’t.
I didn’t.
Leaving again.
Unworthy.
Damn it!
No. Not unworthy. Next time, think.What’s the worst that can happen? OK, so they may not like your reading. But it’s not about them. It’s about what moves you.
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Then why does it seem to matter so much? What they think, that is. I actually don’t think I care, but it’s obvious I do in some way. I shouldn’t. I need to remember that it is about what moves me, you’re correct. I also needed to hear that it is okay that they don’t like my reading.
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It matters, Audrey, because we all want to feel accepted; especially if we were raised by parents who gave the impression that we could do nothing right. If we developed that mind set, then we tell ourselves that we don’t care, but deep down we long for approval.
On the idea of it being OK for them to not like your reading, Neil go I (yes, the singer) once said that all he wants from an audience is a reaction, whether it’s, “I loved it,” or, “I hated it,” or, “He moved me.” He said that it was that reaction that kept him going. And he’s right. The worst audience is one that sits passively with no emotion.
The thing is, unless they are paying you as a professional entertainer, they are unlikely to boo you off the stage! The reality is that your poetry is more likely to draw a positive response. And even if they don’t like it then you will be able to put the worry of not knowing behind you and move on. Edith way, you have a community of bloggers who really appreciate your poetic baring of your heart and soul.
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I appreciate you walking me through these feelings I have, Michael. I think I was just born with the need to please. Probably a needy child who annoyed the tar out of them as I looked for attention. A true actor even back then.
I think you’re right. I do believe that 100%! Thank you for reminding me how much passivity is loathed. I much prefer a negative reaction to none. This is a huge realization for me. Thanks to you…once again. I adore you.
Thank you for this last paragraph full of love. I am humbled by you.
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One of my favorite John Lennon quotes: “When you do something beautiful and nobody noticed, do not be sad. For the sun is a beautiful spectacle and yet most of the audience still sleeps…” Your poems are beautiful…so find that great voice you have inside and let it ring (or shrill) out your words 🙂
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Okay. This made me cry, Photographer. What a beautiful quote. Thank you for sharing it with me. He’s right, isn’t he? It also seems like something you’d say…
Thank you for lifting me up tonight. I appreciate you so very much. I thought of you after I let that moment pass me by…I let yuan-fen down.
Good night, my friend.
Have a wonderful day. ~Audrey 🙂
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He does have a pretty good way with words and even though I do admire him quite a bit, he was also very much flawed… I was going to say ‘like us all’ but his genius may tip things more his way, yes?!?
Yuan-fen is the perfect place for that moment…you learn, then continue to move forward 🙂
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I don’t know much about him. Call me crazy…just never got into him or them, really. I respect what they were and are to the world. Definitely, yes. It isna nice quote.
Yes, I understand, and feel relief in the pass it provides. 🙂
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*laughing* The title is awesome!
Audith, I think I know the feeling. It’s intimidating for sure. But go for it! I know your poetry is awesome.
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Thank you. *laughs a little with you* I thought you’d yell at me for cursing.
Ahh, well, let’s think on that for a while, maybe another 20 years or so… You, my dear, are forced into saying that because I know too much about you now. *smiles*
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Oh no. I curse all the time.
What does that mean?
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You told me to go for it. To try again. I’m responding with a “maybe in 20 years”. Never doing that again!
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Do it sooner than that!
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Yeah, oh boy! Like today, maybe. NOT!
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Helluva poem, Audrey Dawn. Had I been in that audience, I would have led a standing ovation. You are a wonderful poet.
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Thank you, Kate. Maybe I’ll fly you in next time. We’ll have a redhead’s weekend! I appreciate your encouragement!
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A redhead’s weekend! It’s a deal. 🙂
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Whoo hoo!
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I’m sure they would have loved this one.
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I wrote this after they all packed up and left the building. I appreciate your encouragement, John.
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DOH!
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I know…!
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Awwwww, that must have been difficult. I hear you though. It can be so difficult opening up and sharing what comes from you. Risking rejection. Listening to the lies in your head telling you your not good enough. Maybe next time.
🙂
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It was, but I bounced back after I speedily wrote this poem out of anger. Not sure its safe to write a poem and post it in 5 minutes. Comes with a bit of regret. Ha. Next time…Thanks, Staci
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Oh no, not an anger poem… 🙂 You’ve got a good point. May not be safe. But this one was good and I liked it.
🙂
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Thank you, Staci 🙂
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Sounds like an enjoyable experience … well, except for the stage fright. It will come in time. Thanks for sharing this Audrey. 🙂
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It was until I talked myself out of being ready… I also thought going alone would help. Can’t decide if maybe having someone with me would have pushed on me a bit.
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You’ll know when the time is right, accompanied or not.
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Yeah, I know. Just went with high expectations, which can doom a lady before she even gets started.
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Exactly. – No more answers required.
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Okay. Explain what you mean, please. If I may ask..
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Within your lines you asked: Who I am? And answered: Exactly.
In my humble opinion that is the core of that poem: you aked, you replied.
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You’re right. Thank you. 🙂 Scary stuff…
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Words within words within words … 🙂
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Simplify… I’m trying. 🙂
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You write down a word within a poem. Due to context, however, it suddenly may reflect an additional layer of meaning, regardless of the earlier intention to use exactly this word and not any other. Etc., etc.
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I prefer using those singular words for just this reason. I like the layers that words and poetry create. You make me think further…I like that. Exactly. Is a tall oder to fill. Meaning a lot to ask of a person. But expected just the same by all of us.
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Yes; and this makes some of your lines extremely powerful.
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Thank you. I want them to stand that way.
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That’s a good decision! 🙂
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It is?
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If I understand this question correctly, my answer would be an unflinching YES. You are the person you are, and you express yourself with exactly the words you decide upon. No incertitude, here.
Thus, once you have given “birth” to your words and letters, stand by them.That shall give you power and strengthen your innermost. You can’t retract your words, anyway, can you? Hence, my earlier statement that that’s a good decision. 🙂
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Yes, it is a good thing. I completely agree. I’m glad to know we see eye to eye on that.
I stand proudly by my poem. I’m also thankful for a better understanding on your interpretation of my words. Helps me get to know you. Thank you. 🙂
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De rien. 🙂
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I am surprised, Audrey. Your words win me over every day.
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Thank you, Mark. I appreciate that…
Not that surprising, is it?
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You are confident with me, Audrey.
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I’m always confident…not sure what my problem is, actually. Dang eye contact probably. I should have had a stiff drink and a pair of sunglasses with me. It would have gone differently.
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Pretend I’m sitting in the first row in my black golf hat and sunglasses next time.
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Crap! That won’t work at all…. I’m thinking next time I go to a hippie camp in Oregon. Seriously, it wasn’t even the crowd that got to me. I actually think it was the work I was worried about. Thinking it wasn’t good enough, and it probably was for the folks that were there. Two of the poets wrote about cling wrap…what are the odds of that?!
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Your work is your strong point. You just need to get over the first time.
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Yes… *shakes her head in agreement*
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Next time Audrey next time!
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Yes, Willow. I shall try again.
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❤
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It really makes you so vulnerable. But it is with that vulnerability that you bare your soul. It opens us all up.
Leslie
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Thanks for the encouragement, Leslie.
One day,
Audrey
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